Today's Thought - December

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December 1

Accepting Love

Many of us have worked too hard to make relationships work; sometimes those relationships didn't have a chance because the other person was unavailable or refused to participate.

To compensate for the other person's unavailability, we worked too hard. We may have done all or most of the work. Doing all the work in a relationship is not loving, giving, or caring. It is self-defeating and relationship defeating. It creates the illusion of a relationship when in fact there may be no relationship. It enables the other person to be irresponsible for his or her share. Because that does not meet our needs, we ultimately feel victimized.

We can learn to participate a reasonable amount, and then let the relationship find its own life. Are we doing all the calling? Are we doing all the initiating? Are we doing all the giving? Are we the one talking about feelings and striving for intimacy?

Are we doing all the waiting, the hoping, and the work?

We can let go. If the relationship is meant to be, it will be, and it will become what it is meant to be. We do not help that process by trying to control it. We do not help ourselves, the other person, or the relationship by trying to force it or by doing all the work.

Let it be. Wait and see. Stop worrying about making it happen. See what happens and strive to understand if that is what you want.

Today, I will stop doing all the work in my relationships. I will give myself and the other person the gift of requiring both people to participate. I do not have to do all the work; I need only do my share.

You are reading from the book:

The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

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December 2

Teach me, my God and King,
In all things thee to see,
And what I do in anything,
To do it as for thee.
--George Herbert

Some of us have gone through life unconsciously expecting others to bring us happiness, to make our dreams come true, and to make us feel good about ourselves. When nothing seems to be going well for us, we blame it on the lack of external support - we're not in a serious relationship, we don't like our job, we don't have the money to venture into our own business.

When we change our perspective - when we know and trust that we are responsible for our happiness, our dreams, and our feelings - we become empowered. No longer is the burden on someone or something that is either unreliable or nonexistent. We'd been giving this power to others; now it's time to take it back, to make and be responsible for our own choices, to value our opinions, and to respect our intellect.

Today I will give myself credit for all I am capable of, financially and otherwise.

You are reading from the book:

Letting Go of Debt by Karen Casanova

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December 3

Some of the experiences we go through are hard. We get heavy at times.

"I'm drowning in my grief," I told a friend after my son died. "It feels like I'm swimming across an ocean, and I'm getting tired."

When it's too difficult to keep swimming, float.

Action:

What's more irritating than someone condescendingly telling you to smile when you feel glum? Feel all your feelings. Don't let anyone tell you they're wrong.

"I reached in my pocket today and found joy, happiness, success and gratitude," a friend said one day when he called. At first I didn't know what he was talking about. Then I remembered. Awhile back, when he was going through a difficult time, I had given him four little stones, each one painted with one of those words.

It's important to believe in tomorrow. But give yourself the gift that keeps on giving. Believe in today.

You are reading from the book:

52 Weeks of Conscious Contact by Melody Beattie

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December 4

The one lesson my dad taught me:
If you're going to do anything in life, do it right.
--Monty Cralley

Our parents may have had a way of instructing that often bordered on shaming us. No matter what we might remember about it, or them, they meant well. Their own experiences colored how they parented us. This pattern was probably played out in our own parenting, too. We all did the best we could. None of us did a perfect job. But now that we have the time to contemplate the past, we might want to consider forgiving our parents if we still harbor any grudges. Or we might want to make amends to our children or other family members if we are able to see our own failings now.

We made tons of mistakes getting to an older age. Some were intentional; most were not. Do we have to redress all of them? Actually, we don't even have to acknowledge any of them. But if we do, we'll feel far better about ourselves and we'll have helped to break the cycle of the poor parenting we might have experienced.

We all have a chance to do something significant in life. This doesn't have to mean inventing a tool or a drug that will help millions of people. It's really quite easy. Smile at a stranger today, for starters. Consider putting aside an old grudge. Apologize for an unkind action.

I can do something really important today. Am I willing to examine how I treat other people?

You are reading from the book:

Keepers of the Wisdom by Karen Casey

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December 5

The most useless day of all is that in which we have not laughed.
--Sebastian R. N. Champort

We are told that laughter is sunshine filling a room. And where there is laughter, there also is life. They say that people who laugh a lot live longer than do the sour-faced. When we laugh together, gratitude comes more easily, companionship thrives, and all praise is sincere. Laughter brings us joy that cannot be bought. Such joy is with us throughout each day. To hoard joy, to hide it away deep within us away from others, will make us lonely misers. We cannot buy or trade for joy, but we can give or receive it as a gift.

Laughter's joy celebrates the moment we are living right now. It is a gift we must share, or it will wither and die. Shared, it grows and thrives, and always returns to us when we need it most.

You are reading from the book:

Today's Gift by Anonymous

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December 6

Self-pity in its early stages is as snug as a feather mattress. Only when it hardens does it become uncomfortable.
--Maya Angelou

Some days we grasp at self-pity like a blanket on a cold night, and we are momentarily comforted. However, extended periods of self-pity will undermine our primary purpose, which is to be at peace with ourselves and others so that we may know freedom from our addictions. Thus our self-pity prevents us from carrying a message of hope to fellow sufferers, that they too can find release from their suffering through the Twelve Steps.

Staying clean and sober are gifts available to all of us when we cultivate gratitude. We can be grateful for this program that has brought manageability and serenity to our life, and that leaves us little room for self-pity, anger, or impatience. Our mind will be willing and open to receive God's guidance and support when we let go of our self-pity.

Today I will stay free of self-pity so I can receive God's strength.

You are reading from the book:

In God's Care by Karen Casey

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December 7

Getting people to like you is merely the other side of liking them.
--Norman Vincent Peale

What does it mean to like other people? It means giving respect and attention to their opinions and perspectives on life. It means respecting their feelings, attitudes, and values without passing judgment or trying to control them. Clearly and simply, liking others means letting them be who they are and celebrating their individuality.

Openly expressing fondness for a friend is affirming for both people. Our expressions are gifts that will multiply for us when we've been honest and unselfish, free from ulterior motives.

We all want to be liked. And we've heard many times that to have a friend, one must be a friend. It's a formula that takes only a simple decision each time we share with another.

My actions will determine whether I'm liked today.

You are reading from the book:

In God's Care by Karen Casey

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December 8

I was so mixed up I tried to be perfect at avoiding perfectionism!
-- Kathryn G.

Oh, the struggle with perfectionism! Of all the clubs we can use to beat ourselves with, that one may be the worst. With all the "musts," "must nots," "shoulds," and "should nots" we demand of ourselves it's a wonder we can get through some days at all.

One woman said she called one of her cats by the other cat's name and as a result spent the next two hours depressed. Most of us don't go that far with perfectionism, but we still make unreasonable demands of ourselves.

The "one year" test is a good one for perfectionism: "If I (fill in the blank), what difference will it make in a year?" Some things will be important in a year. Making meetings, contacting our sponsor, communing with our Higher Power, and being honest with ourselves and others are all important. And we should be concerned when we fail. But more often we punish ourselves for the little failures - forgetting someone's name or saying the "wrong thing." These are the "crimes" we remember the most. But now we can learn to forgive ourselves and concentrate on what's really important: our new lives in recovery.

Today, help me remember what's important. Help me forgive myself for minor mistakes.

You are reading from the book:

Body, Mind, and Spirit by Anonymous

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December 9

Learning to trust is one of life's most difficult tasks.
-- Isaac Watts

We marry for better or for worse, we expect some ups and downs, but once we feel we've been betrayed, we are lost.

If we've been lied to so many times we can no longer think straight, if we've been fooled into thinking we are at fault for an impossible financial situation because we don't work, don't earn enough, or because we spend too much, or if we've been manipulated into believing that by co-signing a loan all our problems would disappear, we've been betrayed. The person we thought we were supposed to trust and to turn to for emotional support is not being trustworthy or supportive.

Getting through betrayal is a long process, one that both parties must be willing to commit to in the most profound way. If one party is unwilling to be consistently trustworthy and the other is unwilling to forgive, the cracked foundation only crumbles further.

Today I will understand that trust is a core component of any successful relationship, and I will know that I deserve a trustworthy partner.

You are reading from the book:

Letting Go of Debt by Karen Casanova

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December 10

I can live for two months on a good compliment.
-- Mark Twain

Newcomer

At a meeting I shared about a loss I've gone through, and the response was amazing. People expressed sympathy and understanding, and a number of them shared experiences of their own that were similar to mine. It surprised me. I'd told the same story at a different meeting, and people there didn't say a thing to me. I had left feeling like there was something wrong with me. I can't figure out what I did differently this time, maybe there was something about the way I shared.

Sponsor

My hunch is that the difference in response to your sharing from different groups of people had to do with things over which you had no control. There are many possible explanations for people's responses to us; we needn't assume we're responsible for what they do or don't do.

There's an Al-Anon slogan (nicknamed "The Three C's") that says, "I didn't cause it, I can't control it, and I can't cure it." For me, it's a helpful one to remember, especially when people in my life are active in an addiction or are on a "dry drunk." It's useful in situations with non-addicts, too. Most human beings behave as they do for reasons that have little to do with us.

We're entitled to support and response from other human beings. When I find myself in a group where I experience a warm, engaged response from others, I make a point of returning. Support and validation from others quenches one of my deepest thirsts. But we can't rely on others to give us a sense of self-esteem. That comes from within, it grows as we do the work of recovery.

Today, I go where I find food for my spirit.

You are reading from the book:

If You Want What We Have by Joan Larkin

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December 11

Whatever you may be sure of, be sure of this, you are dreadfully like other people.
-- James Russell Lowell

Sharing our many experiences with our friends in Twelve Step meetings helps us understand how very similar we all are. We are unique only in the sense that each of us has a special contribution to make in life, one not quite like anyone else's.

Keeping secrets from others can make us fearful. We think. Could they really like me if they knew this? Yet we feel profound relief when we share our most shameful secrets in a meeting and the men and women listening to us don't blink an eye.

We no longer find rewards from pretending we're someone we're not. Our greatest reward now is the peace we experience from not having anything to hide. We have learned genuine humility and that we are equals with other people. No better, no worse.

Today I will enjoy the serenity of having no more secrets and will celebrate my humanity.

You are reading from the book:

In God's Care by Karen Casey

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December 12

Change and growth take place when a person has risked himself and dares to become involved with experimenting with his own life.
--Herbert Otto

The rewards of our new life are apparent to us because of how we feel, and apparent to others by what they can see. Many of us had reached our bottom point, and we felt there was no risk in trying a program of recovery. Yet, we still had some distorted security in our harmful ways of relating to others or in our addictions. Letting go was an experiment. This program gives us guidelines for experimenting with our life for growth, and we continue growing every day.

Some of our benefits are increased confidence and self-respect, more intimacy with our partner, better friendships, and better physical health. We feel these changes in ourselves, and we see them in the other men and women in this program.

Today, I am grateful for the rewards in my life from this experiment in recovery.

You are reading from the book:

Touchstones by Anonymous

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December 13

Do, or do not. There is no "try."
--Yoda, in The Empire Strikes Back

Trying is what we do when we aren't willing to make a commitment. We say, "I'll try," when our heart isn't ready to give a full effort. It's what we say when we can't admit that our resolve is wimpy. And it's the lie that will defeat us.

Some challenges we face can't be conquered simply by saying, "I will do it." But we can choose to do something that will help. We can't move the mountain but we can pick up some rocks. We can engage with the problem and get to know it better. Every action we take leads somewhere and sets us up for the next action. We even learn from our mistakes and that moves us closer to achieving our goal.

Today I will not just "try"; I will do something to move toward my goal.

You are reading from the book:

Wisdom to Know by Anonymous

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December 14

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.
--Step Nine

When we make amends we need to be clear about what we're apologizing for and the best way to say we're sorry. What we are really doing with our amends is taking responsibility for our behavior. We need to be sure that the process itself will not be self-defeating or hurtful.

Sometimes, we need to directly apologize for a particular thing we have done or our part in a problem. Other times, instead of saying I'm sorry, what we need to do is work on changing our behavior with a person.

There are times when bringing up what we have done and apologizing for it will make matters worse.

We need to trust timing, intuition, and guidance in this process of making amends. Once we become willing, we can let go and tackle our amends in a peaceful, consistent, harmonious way. If nothing feels right or appropriate, if it feels as if what we are about to do will cause a crisis or havoc, we need to trust that feeling.

We deserve to be at peace with ourselves and others.

Today, I will be open to making any amends I need to make with people. I will wait for Divine Guidance in the process of making any amends that are not clear to me. God, help me let go of my fear about facing people and taking responsibility for my behaviors. Help me know I am not diminishing my self-esteem by doing this; I am improving it.

You are reading from the book:

The Language of Letting Go by Melody Beattie

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December 15

I love being able to say, "I was wrong," or "I made a mistake," and not feel like it's the end of the world.
--Carol C.

Before recovery, we felt so guilt-ridden we couldn't bear to admit we were less than perfect. Since our insides seemed so awful, we clung to an outside appearance of perfection. That way, we hoped people wouldn't find out what we were really like. But we fooled no one, not even ourselves, for very long.

In recovery, we have a chance to change that pattern. Now, we can learn to admit our limitations, our mistakes, and our imperfections. What a wonderful relief, not to have to be perfect. We can be just who we are - very human beings who are groping toward the light. Sometimes we find it, sometimes we lose our way, but still we strive onward. And, in the process, we find ourselves, and serenity.

Today help me keep working toward perfection, but forgive my mistakes along the way.

You are reading from the book:

Body, Mind, and Spirit by Anonymous