Don;t knwo what to do or where to start

[Ihopeforbetter]

I am new here and to all of this. Although I have learned a lot in the 7 last months (even if I didn’t want to) it is all so over whelming and not sure I can handle it. So many question still. Sorry so long but I want to share. My story: I am 43 and he is 40. I met my babe 2 yrs ago and it was magic from day one, we fell for each other quickly and things we perfect. We are best friends and a love like I never thought possible!!! When the addict is “sleeping” as I call it, things are AMAZING!!!!
I did not know he was an alcoholic or used until March of this year. That’s right, a whole yr and not knowing and or not seeing it? There were never any signs at first and I never saw him drink.

But about 5 months into our relationship out of nowhere…. I didn’t hear from him for 5 days, I couldn’t believe it I thought something happened to him and was beside myself that this man could just walk away? And why did he just leave? He stopped by my home after the 5 days and made up some story about his brother and family and I believed him (at the time). So I forgave him. After this I noticed he would have a glass of wine here and there and I found it odd because he never drank (that I knew of). On New Year’s 2013 we went out with friends and he drank more than a couple, I didn’t notice anything odd (behavior wise) until we got home and he stated being really mean. The mental abuse was extreme and the things he said to me blew my mind, who was this person? The next day I confronted him and he said he was sorry and that he was “just drunk” (again I had no idea at this time he had a problem). It happened again right before March and I remember saying to him “I don’t like you drunk ” and he kind of laughed and said ya, I probably shouldn’t drink being it makes me mean. And that was that.

Well March came… the week a huge bomb was dropped. For St Patty’s 2013, we had a few events to attend. I talked to him before and he promised he wouldn’t drink I told him I just didn’t like him drunk, it wasn’t fun and he hurts me when he drinks. Not knowing he had a problem but started to wonder. I did ask him and he said no. Anyway, I didn’t “baby sit” him that night, for a lack of better terms…. So I didn’t pay attention if he was drinking or not, we HE did, and a lot. This night was so bad when we got home I couldn’t take it, right or wrong I asked him to leave, I knew he was drunk and would drive but, I had to. The things he was saying was horrible and when he firmly held me up to wall and called me a ***** I had to ask him to go!! And when he was leaving he thanked me for kicking him out? You will see why in a min. I was completely beside myself this night and so hurt. Why was he doing this?

VERY long story short… He was gone for 5-days, no calls, texts he wouldn’t return my calls nothing and his mom and sister didn’t hear from him. On the 6th night he called 1AM from hospital and said he admitted himself for drug and alcohol ad would explain everything later – this is how I found out he had a problem!!! When I got him the next day he told me he was sober for 8yrs but not for the 2 yrs I have known him, he would do good a couple months then slip. I am thinking as he talks, who was this man I lived with? Why did he lie and how could he NOT tell me!!!! I was furious and many other feelings! What did he do when he was gone? Did he cheat on me, what was going on? Emotion overload. He promised he would get help, get his sobriety back and make things better. At the same time all of this was running thru my head, it also connected a lot of the dots for his behavior I didn’t understand at times and things started to sink in. Please keep in mind, his drinking leads him to COKE, like he explained to me and his therapist explained to me, one leads to the other, if he doesn’t drink he doesn’t want to use, so it is crucial that he doesn’t drink being one leads to another. So I get EXTRA scared if he slips of what will happen if he does relapse and leaves. The last 3 slip ups (as we call it) I knew enough NOT to let him leave the house, so knowledge helps!!! And all three slip ups we were in a situation where he could sneak drinks (a restaurant, a festival and this last one was my sister’s wedding). It ruined my little sister’s wedding for me because once I saw he was drunk at 8PM I had to get him out of there, his behavior is VERY apparent when he drinks he is a completely different person!!!! Not that this is a good thing but like my therapists says, at least you know when he is drinking and not wondering if he is because he simply can’t hide it being it really changes his behavior. Ya, ok, I guess knowing is better than not.

Our problem from March and up to today! He hasn’t done anything to deal with his addiction, no meetings none of his material or exercises nothing. Some days / week are ok but others are a living hell. He keeps promising me but doesn’t do anything. We have been going to Therapy for 2 months but he still hasn’t done anything. I don’t know what to do or how long I can wait. I am now dealing with this new thing (new to me) Dry Drunk and OMG!!!! This just started 4 months ago and has gotten worse. Before our therapist told me what it was I thought I was going crazy or he was, I don’t know what is worse this or him being drunk…. And I am extra confused because he knows his behavior during this stage is tearing us apart, it’s not like he isn’t aware…. and he knew he was dealing with it (Dry Drunk), so why didn’t he tell me? He kept telling me it was money or work stress?

We are working on this, but he keeps his addict side a secret from me but I need to know more so I can learn and cope and know who I am really with. Our therapists agrees I have a right to know some things, by him keeping it all to himself I am completely in the dark and scared as hell. I have been researching and learning more and more but I am trying to find out what questions are ok to ask and what is not…. This is all so much to deal with and seems like it spins out of control any approach I try. I know, until he gets better there is no rationalizing!! I love this man and he is my best friend and I am losing my baby to the addict. Why isn’t his love for me enough to try? He knows his problem is not under control which I guess is better than him denying it, BUT how do I hold on until he is ready to get better again? I know he can do it. Is there any encouragement I can do to help him make the right choice before it is too late? I made the mistake 2 months ago of saying “get better or I can’t do this anymore” Ya, not good…. but… again… I am still learning.

I think getting some of this out helps a little even though (believe it or not) this is the short version of it all. I still have so many questions and guilt because I put him in situations to drink and even after I let him manipulate me so bad making be believe it was ok to go to a gather where there was drinking etc…. I feel SO dumb, shouldn’t I just know better? And he admits manipulate me (well, the addict did), and that hurts to hear… I am trying to deal with my life style changes so he can get a hold of his life again. I am starting to resent him, I miss my casual glass of wine at dinner and going to see a live band 2 x’s a year or the friends gathers I had to say no to. Why do I have to change everything to keep him well and he isn’t doing anything???? Can we ever go to a friend’s party or anything there is alcohol, my goodness it is EVERYWHERE!!!!! And wondering today if it is worth it, I just feel so beaten and dealing with the dry drunk …. Who will I go home to tonight? My baby or the addict?

I am so sorry – I really had to get all that out and I am hoping this site helps me and I can’t talk to him because as you know they don’t want to hear about what they did to hurt they person they love and all. I am not sure yet about in person meetings so I am starting here.

[LookingOut]

Thanks for sharing. I am so sorry you are going through all this. It is very difficult. You are in a good and safe place here and you can share and ask anything you need.

First, I am glad you are in therapy. Second, attending Al-Anon meetings will be a great help to you!

Second, if he does not want to get help, no one can force him. Addicts often stumble many times before they get it right, but they have to be willing to try.

Third, if he is abusive to you in ANY way, you do have the right to set up safe boundaries for yourself. It IS okay to tell him to get help and go to meetings or you will leave. Conditions for your own safety are perfectly acceptable.

I know it is all very confusing. I can't tell you enough how much Al-Anon will help you. Please look online and find a group near you. Your counselor may have a meeting list also.

In the meantime, it is good to do some reading and sharing.

Praying things will get better!

[bluidkiti]

Welcome Ihopeforbetter, I totally agree with Lookingout. I suggest checking into Alanon. These links will help you http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/ and http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/local-meetings. We also have a forum on the board here for family and friends of alcoholics and addicts http://www.bluidkiti.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?f=18 . When I was new to AA my mom also found it helpful to read some of the AA literature like the Big Book - http://www.bluidkiti.com/BB/ and the 12 Steps and 12 Traditions book - http://www.bluidkiti.com/12steps.html . I suggest you also read the chapter in the big book To Wives http://www.bluidkiti.com/BB/chapter_8.html .

He has to want to do this for himself. In the meantime, for you, seek help for yourself. At no time let him abuse you. Please keep coming and sharing with us. We are here for you.

[yukonm]

Welcome to our community!! I am so glad that you are reaching out and asking for help. I agree with both Lookingout and Bluidkiti.......Please start with Alanon. You will find support from people who can identify with you and who can give you the tools to take of yourself. You must understand that even though you are a couple you are individuals. He must walk HIS OWN path to recovery and to be successful, he must do it for himself. I suggest you do whatever is necessary to take care of yourself. There is an excellent book titled "Boundaries: When to Say Yes and When to Say No" authored by John Townsend and Henry Cloud that many people have found helpful.
Please visit the links provided by Bluidkiti, there is lots of imformation there, too. Continue to come here and post. Just know that you are not alone.

[BW1]

Hi Ihopei totally agree with the previous posts..Wealkies and addicts can be manipulative and very secretive when we are addive in our disease and yes we do indeed have affairs in that our disease lures us into a love affair like no other..We love our disease. Nothing else mattered to me. I even sold my soul to my disease. That is how self centered I became.

Getting into AlAnon would in fact be of great help to you and give you the tools you that you can use to help you. you did not cause this disease. You cannot cure it nor can you control it. Those are the first three "C"s" that they would give you for in your personal spiritual tool box.
Next they would tell you you need not journey alone as it was said also in the previous post. Anyone anywhere in a relationship of anykind with an alkie or an addict regardless of whether they are in recovery or not, it is suggested to be in Al-Alanon.

Al-Anon is modeled after or adapted from Alcoholics Anonymous. It is not a religous program...It is spiritual. Designed for those who suffer as a result of the spiritual malady of alcohol or drugs or the combination thereof. Drugs and alcohol, as it says in the Big Book of alcoholics anonymous; are only a symtom and the suggested steps we take help us to uncover the underlying cause of our disease. and then to grow spiritually. in that growth all we have "is a daily reprieve based on our spiritual condition". We [I] learn to become God relaint not people reliant. I learn that God [for some a Higher power...anything greater than myself] becomes my guide, my compass, my comforter, my evereything and in that I surrender all my secrets my will and my life over to him and then I pass on and become of service to Him by passing on to others what was so freely given to me and put my gratitude into action and work

You see the disease of alcohol or drug addiction is a disease...not a moral issue.

also as it was said..we are herr...please do not aplologize for sharing...as that is what this journey of recovery is about..sharing and caring..the sharing is the "Language of the heart" and we are her to support & encourage each other

Prayers out for you

please come back often

[janbear]

Glad you are here. You are in the right place. Like all others said, Alanon would be of great benefit for you. You could also go to Alcoholics Anonymous Open meetings. You might learn more from listening to other recovering alcoholics.

As i read your share it reminded me a portion of AA literature where it says we become like "Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde". In my own addiction I became a totally different person than i was when i was not drinking or using. My husband at the time couldnt handle me. He suffered a long time because He didnt get any real help for himself. He was to busy trying to "save" me and that didnt work. His continual trying to "save" me just made things worse. He was actually enabling me to keep doing what i was doing. I had to hit a bottom. Only then is when i got the help i needed. He got me in to treatment. We are divorced now but i am grateful to him today for helping me get to treatment when i wanted it.

Just know you are not alone. We are here for you. And people at Alanon would be too.

[BW1]

hello again Ihope

Wanted to check in again to see how you are doing and remind you that we are here and that you are not alone

please check in when you can and let us know how things are going and what we can do to support you and encourage you

there is also the option of sending a PM [private message] to any one of us if you prefer

Know that you are being held up in prayer

[MajestyJo]

Welcome to the site and thank you for sharing Ihope. Al-Anon worked for me, I checked it out at the beginning of my recovery from alcohol and prescription drugs. I also had an eating disorder and a few obsessive, compulsive disorders, that I needed to address. My focus has been Al-Anon for the last 10 years because I have a son in active addiction. I found that I qualified for many reasons, my father died as a result of his alcoholism, my mother`s food addiction killed her at the age of 40, I was married to a guy who was a sex addict and was with another woman the night our son was born. My second husband was an alcoholic, and I tell people, you qualify for Al-Anon because you know me. I am a recovering alcoholic. It is my emotional sobriety that I have to work on daily.

I went to AA for my alcoholism, to NA for my pill addiction, and I went to Al-Anon, I went to find myself. I lived my life through others and always looked outside of myself for validation and to affirm my worth because I couldn`t find it within myself. My fears and anxieties were there long before I picked up a stolen glass of communion wine at 10 years old, wanting to know what I was missing out on.

I never felt whole and complete with no self-empowerment and self-worth. My attitude toward my husband(s) was I am not happy, you are not doing your job, only to find out it wasn`t their job.

Alcohol and Addiction are a family disease. Everyone around them are affected, and they are co-dependent. If you haven`t read it, may I suggest reading Melody Beatties, `Codependent No More.` I read the preface of the book and ran to the nearest Al-Anon meeting.

There is material on the site that can be helpful, not just the Al-Anon reading and posts, but the spiritual aspect of our dis-ease. It affects us mentally, emotionally, spiritually as well as physically. Our mental and emotional pain can make itself known physically and visa versa.

http://www.al-anon.org/TheSteps/

Thanks everyone for the great posts.