recoveredcrackhead@yahoo

[Larrylive]

yep, that's my e-mail, I thought it might be easy for addicts to remember, I may have been wrong. Or they may just like doing drugs and don't care about others suffering. I do.

I started smoking weed and drinking at 12, I've done a few other drugs, no pills (well, not a lot) and no H. I'm more of a hippy/deadhead, if you know what I mean. I generally tell people I don't drink, which is my way of saying it's not a problem. (not here to argue) Don't know when the last time I had a drink was and I don't know when the next one will be. Maybe never, maybe tomorrow, I don't know. The important part is at the age of 32 I started smoking crack, and I regret it. For fifteen years I spent every dime I made on crack. I lost loved ones, friends, many jobs and a whole lot of stuff.

It took 10years, 3 rehabs and the death of my Mother (GBHS).while I was in jail for the first time at the age of 47 to finally break me. i may not have hit bottom, but I had fallen far enough. I surrendered, I came to believe and I worked very, very hard to turn my life around.

Now i would like to help anyone with the desire to re-join society in a productive, positive manner. I am working towards a degree in Chemical dependancy counseling and a degree in Recreation & Leisure. I must admit I don't want to work in a rehab, as I am not a "touchy feely" kinda guy. and unless "meeting the person where their at" means my foot in their a$$, I probably wouldn't last long. I am not good at sugar coating and generally lact tact. I'm a straight shooter and call'em as i see 'em. I believe most people in rehab have no intention on staying clean and most likely are avoiding jail or prison.
But if you really, really want to change and are ready for alot of hard work I would be glad to help. If I sound too intense, but you really, really want to qiut, I suggest you find God, it doesn't get any better than that.

Be well,
Larry

[Larrylive]

Well that was the plan.
My how things change.

I spent most of October in jail because I am in love with an alcoholic-crackhead BPD. I triend to interfere with her using and she told the police I hit her (I did not). bit being an exaddict with a felony I was led to believe that I would never beat the charge in court. New York State has some very peculiar domestic violence laws. When one party accuses another, the accused is giulty until proven innocent and if you can't afford an attorny...well, you're doing time and dealing with a whole host of consequences.
I no longer attend college, missing a month is not acceptable. I can no longer be a counselor, as the Human Services field does not like "abusers". I should also mention that the story was I punched her in the back of the head (no marks) while she was holding the crack dealers baby (Acting in a Manner Injurous to A Child) two weeks before she reported it. No witnesses and may other details that are circumstantially in my favor. But nobody is interested...yet.
I will be redeemed, although in the eyes of my daughters there was never any doubt and that is the most important part to me. I have actually had a few people indicate their disbelief and this is encouraging.
A new life begins NOW.
I had plenty of time to think, pray, contemplate and meditate as I do not socialize with the usual rif-raf found in jails. I have accepted my new journey and harbor no resentments as this was/is God's way of re-directing my course. Wisdom is gained through experience and like it or not sometimes that means suffering.
I have work to do and for that i am glad.
May the Heavenly Fathers peace be upon you.

Be well,
Larry

[Larrylive]

Well atleast God loves me. I know this because my eldest, my indicator of how I am doing, invited me to her home. They bought it about a year ago and this was the first time I had been there. It's nice, in a qiuet suburb with good schools. She has a wonderful view from her living room of a small field and a patch of woods. My grand-daughter is talking, alot, but she is a bit shy around me. I will endevour to change that.
Now I must get my self-invited to my youngest' home. Which would just be icing on the cake being that she invited me to her wedding.

In the recovery life..... I have officially withdrawn from school, but hope to return in the spring. My home group has gone through some changes/growth. We are actively trying to "recruit" the new-comers into service work. It's a sad state of affairs. We ARE a new-comers meeting, as we draw from 2 half-way houses. It's a mixed blessing that one of them is for females. Although their attendence encourages the males to attend also, we have had some problems with inappropriate activity in other parts of the church.
So hopefully service work will keep them from wandering .
I am also actively engaged with two other groups/agencies. The first is Lifequest a sober activities meeting place. It is primarialy attended by musicians, as it affords them a place to jam. We also have a social room with ping-pong, Wi/playstation (IDK, I'm old)
and foos-ball. The second group is still in the formation stage, O.C.Lifeworks. Loosely based on recovery coaching, we shall try to help people in the areas of life rehabs don't take the time to address.
I am going to need to find some income and I am hoping to get involved with one of the 3/4 houses, perhaps just as an over-night monitor. That would allow me to do homework while the clients are sleeping
Now I need to get a schedule, I have not been working out or eating well. And I am truely off my Din.
More prayer, less talk I suppose.

Be Well
Larry

[MajestyJo]

Continued prayers my friend, one day at a time. Sometimes it is one step forward and two back, yet as long as we didn't pick up a drink or a drug today, things are good. All we can do is try to be the best ME, that I can be in today.

I was just sharing the same thing with a friend who phoned me, she is not in the program, so it was trying to share with her, so that I did not upset her. She wants help, but she doesn't want to hear about the program or have anything to do with a God of any kind.

I suggested that she connect with her Higher Self, and do what was good for her. Hand over what is not hers in the way that is best for her, i.e. writing a letter, and deal with her issues in a way that was good for her.

It is so important for me to stay in today, even my JoAnne thing of this morning is past and is no more. I can't change it, it is about now in the moment.

[Larrylive]

The scroll marked #1
"Today I begin a new life.
Today I shed my old skin, which hath, too long, suffered the bruises of failure and the wounds of mediocrity.
Today I am born anew and my birthplace is a vineyard where there is fruit for all.
Today I will pluck grapes of wisdom from the tallest and fullest vines in the
vineyard, for these were planted by the wisest of my profession who have come before me, generation upon generation.
Today I will savor the taste of grapes from these vines and verily I will swallow the seed of success buried in each and new life will sprout within me.
The career I have chosen is laden with opportunity yet it is fraught with heartbreak and despair and the bodies of those who have failed, were they piled one atop another, would cast its shadow down upon all the pyramids of the earth.
Yet I will not fail, as the others, for in my hands I now hold the charts, which will guide me through perilous waters to shores, which only yesterday seemed but a dream."

Og Mandino, The Greatest Salesman in the World

Be Well,
Larry

[Larrylive]

"Failure will no longer by my payment for my struggle. Just as nature made no
provision for my body to tolerate pain neither has it made any provision for my life
to suffer failure. Failure, like pain, is alien to my life. In the past I accepted it as I
accepted pain. Now I reject it and I am prepared for wisdom and principles which
will guide me out of the shadows into the sunlight of wealth, position, and happiness
far beyond my most extravagant dreams until even the golden apples in the Garden
of Hesperides will seem no more than my just reward."
Og Mandino

[Larrylive]

"Time teaches all things to he who lives forever but I have not the luxury of eternity.
Yet, within my allotted time I must practice the art of patience for nature acts never
in haste. To create the olive, king of all trees, a hundred years is required. An onion
plant is old in nine weeks. I have lived as an onion plant. It has not pleased me. Now
I wouldst become the greatest of olive trees and, in truth, the greatest of salesmen."

Og Mandino

For me, I shall sell, no, give away the hope of a life beyond dreams. Drugs had stolen all I had worked for, faith is restoring me.

Be Well,
Larry

[Larrylive]

There is no failure except in the not trying.

Wisdom, unfortunately, is gained through experience. And as we make our way through life many of the difficulties we experience, it is learned, only happen because we fail to see. We fail to see other options or we fail to see the part we play.

When we hear WE must change sometimes we think about how to change our enviroment (people, places & things). This can be helpful, but it is NOT ourselves. It took along time for me to realize, that if I am an addict and wish not to be I can no longer be "me". I had to decide wether to be "cool" and suffer or be average and happy. It took a long time for me to realize that in trying to be cool, I was trying to be something I wasn't and what that was, was happy with myself. It took some searching, not around town, nor on the internet, but searching inside of myself.
It's not easy, nor is it qiuck, but becoming who we really are certainly is more comfortable. When you decide to look for yourself, you'll realize whats truely important. There is no majic words or buttons to push. It takes work and above all...it takes a lifetime to become who we really are.

Be well,
Larry

[Larrylive]

"And how will this be accomplished? For I have neither the knowledge nor the
experience to achieve greatness and already I have stumbled in ignorance and fallen
into pools of self-pity. The answer is simple. I will commence my journey
unencumbered with either the weight of unnecessary knowledge or the handicap of
meaningless experience. Nature already has supplied me with knowledge and instinct
far greater than any beast in the forest and the value of experience is overrated,
usually by old men who nod wisely and speak stupidly.
In truth, experience teaches thoroughly yet her course of instruction devours men’s
years so the value of her lessons diminishes with the time necessary to acquire her
special wisdom. The end finds it wasted on dead men. Furthermore, experience is
comparable to fashion; an action that proved successful today will be unworkable
and impractical tomorrow." Og Mandino

I have some work to do, running around and phone calls. Not feeling positive today...yet.

Be Well,
Larry

[Larrylive]

"Only principles endure and these I now possess, for the laws that will lead me to
greatness are contained in the words of these scrolls. What they will teach me is more
to prevent failure than to gain success, for what is success other than a state of mind?
Which two, among a thousand wise men, will define success in the same words; yet
failure is always described in one way. Failure is man’s inability to reach his goals in
life, whatever they may be.
In truth, the only difference between those who have failed and those who have
succeeded lies in the differences of their habits. Good habits are the key to all
success. Bad habits are the unlocked door to failure. Thus, the first law I will obey,
which precedeth all others is – I will form good habits and become their slave."
Og Mandino

So I should start with my diet, exercise and prayer.

Be Well,
Larry

[Larrylive]

"If there is one danger in long term recovery programs it is complacency.
The way to overcome complacency is through personal growth.
Seek to improve your life.
Seek to improve your life situation.
Seek to eliminate negative things from your life.
If you do these three things diligently then you will not relapse.
If you can do this in AA then that is great. If you can do this outside of AA then that is great too.
Find the path that leads to growth." Patrick via Spiritual river

Be Well,
Larry

[Larrylive]

Another week gone, this bothers me. Funny how fast time goes at this stage of life (with the exception of when one is in jail...inside joke...Ahhh, get it?).

I fear something is terribly wrong with my mental health,. I have started with the local mental health agency paid for with medcaid (hopefully). I have doubts.

In the mean time I struggle to piece together alife torn apart for the second time by drugs...and love. This difference being that when I did it the first time I had hit bottom and the only way to go was up. This time there is still far to fall and I lack the self discipline to take advantage of the down time before school starts again (hopefully).

Hmmmm...I was briefly distracted and lost my train of thought. I would really prefer not to HAVE to do drugs ie; presribed.

Be Well,
Larry

[MajestyJo]

Many things we think are mental problems, is our disease manifesting itself in our life. For me, it is the thinking behind the drinking and drugging. The drug is but a symptom of our disease. Recovery is about healing and going through the process n order to recover. It is not a quick fix. It is one day at a time.

I know what you mean by time, it just seems to disappear. I don't know if it is senility or just me staying in the moment, and days slip by and I often don't know what day it is.