Diary of a Snow Shoveler

[bluidkiti]

Diary of a Snow Shoveler Author Unknown

December 8: 6:00 PM. It started to snow. The first snow of
the season and the wife and I sat for hours by the window
watching the huge soft flakes drift down from heaven. It
looked like a Grandma Moses print. So romantic, we felt like
newlyweds again. I love snow!

December 9: We woke to a beautiful blanket of crystal-white
snow covering every inch of the landscape. What a fantastic
sight! Can there be a more lovely place in the whole world?
Moving here was the best idea I've ever had. Shoveled for
the first time in years and felt like a boy again. I did
both our driveway and the sidewalks. This afternoon the snow
plow came along and covered up the sidewalks and closed in
the driveway, so I got to shovel again. What a perfect life.

December 12: The sun has melted all our lovely snow. Such a
disappointment. My neighbor tells me not to worry; we'll
definitely have a white Christmas. No snow on Christmas
would be awful! Bob says we'll have so much by the end of
winter that I'll never want to see snow again. I don't think
that's possible. Bob is such a nice man. I'm glad he's our
neighbor.

December 14: Snow, lovely snow! We had 8" last night. The
temperature dropped to -20. The cold makes everything
sparkle so. The wind took my breath away, but I warmed up by
shoveling the driveway and sidewalks. This is the life! The
snowplow came back this afternoon and buried everything
again. I didn't realize I would have to do quite this much
shoveling, but I'll certainly get back in shape this way. I
wish I wouldn't huff and puff so.

December 15: 20 inches forecast. Sold my van and bought a
4x4 Explorer. Bought snow tires for the wife's car and two
extra shovels. Stocked the freezer. The wife wants a wood
stove in case the electricity goes out. I think that's
silly. We aren't in Alaska, after all.

December 16: Ice storm this morning. Fell on my butt on the
ice in the driveway putting down salt. Hurt like heck. The
wife laughed for an hour, which I think was very cruel.

December 17: Still way below freezing. Roads are too icy to
go anywhere. Electricity was off for five hours. I had to
pile the blankets on to stay warm. Nothing to do but stare
at the wife and try not to irritate her. Guess I should've
bought a wood stove, but I won't admit it to her. I hate it
when she's right. I can't believe I'm freezing to death in
my own living room.

December 20: Electricity's back on, but we had another 14"
of the stuff last night. More shoveling. Took all day.
Snowplow came by twice. Tried to find a neighbor kid to
shovel, but they said they're too busy playing hockey. I
think they're lying. Called the only hardware store around
to see about buying a snow blower and they're out. Might
have another shipment in March. I think they're lying. Bob
says I have to shovel or the city will have it done and bill
me. I think he's lying.

December 22: Bob was right about a white Christmas because
13 more inches of the white stuff fell today, and it's so
cold it probably won't melt till August. Took me 45 minutes
to get all dressed up to go out to shovel and then I had to
pee. By the time I got undressed, peed, and dressed again, I
was too tired to shovel. Tried to hire Bob, who has a plow
on his truck for the rest of the winter, but he says he's
too busy. I think he's is lying.

December 23: Only 2" of snow today. And it warmed up to 0.
The wife wanted me to decorate the front of the house this
morning. What is she ... nuts??? Why didn't she tell me to
do that a month ago? She says she did, but I think she's
lying.

December 24: 6." Snow packed so hard by snowplow, I broke
the shovel. Thought I was having a heart attack. If I ever
catch that guy who drives that snowplow, I'll drag him
through the snow by his hair. I know he hides around the
corner and waits for me to finish shoveling and then he
comes down the street at a 100 miles an hour and throws snow
all over where I've just been! Tonight the wife wanted me to
sing Christmas carols with her and open our presents, but I
was busy watching for the snowplow.

December 25: Merry Christmas. 20 more inches of the slop
tonight. Snowed in. The idea of shoveling makes my blood
boil. I hate the snow! Then the snowplow driver came by
asking for a donation and I hit him over the head with my
shovel. The wife says I have a bad attitude. I think she's
an idiot. If I have to watch "It's a Wonderful Life" one
more time, I'm going to kill her.

December 26: Still snowed in. Why did I ever move here? It
was all HER idea. She's really getting on my nerves.

December 27: Temperature dropped to -30 and the pipes froze.

December 28: Warmed up to above -20. Still snowed in. SHE is
driving me crazy!!!

December 29: 10 more inches. Bob says I have to shovel the
roof or it could cave in. That's the silliest thing I ever
heard. How dumb does he think I am?

December 30: Roof caved in. The snow plow driver is suing me
for a million dollars for the bump on his head. The wife
went home to her mother. Another 9" predicted.

December 31: Set fire to what's left of the house. No more
shoveling.

January 8: I feel so good. I just love those little white
pills they keep giving me. Why am I tied to the bed?