Today's Gift for Families - April 2014
 

Most wishes that aren`t good, are not meant to come true. Might put me in a bad mood, so grateful for the program, that I don`t have to stay there, I can pick up the tools of recovery.

I found it to be very true, ¨Do not wish your life away.¨

There are priceless gifts out there if I take the time to look for them. Try a smile, it will surprise you.

My sponsor use to say, "If you have recovery show it. Clean up your act, clean up your mouth, clean up your body, (your clothes, your hair, and personal hygiene), and clean up your thinking and change your attitude.

Have been known to shut down mentally, put my nose into a book and ignore things, especially thoughts. Then I have to do a meditation to ask that the barrier and block be removed and let go of the feeling that I allowed to build up in me. Sometimes I am aware, other times, I don't want to know, especially when it comes to my son.

Found out in recovery, that when I felt sad, whether it is from depression or grief, it is often compounded by memories from the past, that I didn't deal with properly, because I was using.

We didn't know how to grief and we generally didn't like the feelings that went with it, so we stuffed it and used to make them go away, be it people, places and things.

There have been times, when I have been on the computer, sitting in my chair, or just walking along and tears will come. I look at it as a healing, generally not aware of the origin, but know that it is a cleansing. It could have been something I asked for or a body memory.

When I find myself in an old pattern or behaviour, it is often something that I need to look at and identify, if possible, the source although that isn't always necessary, as long as I am open to the healing energy.

Don't use, no matter what. Take your focus off of others, and turn it within. Look at your part, what part did you play, are you using others so you don't have to look at yourself.

What I need is some down time after two days out and about.

I know it is now in the right place! Before coming on to post, I did a meditation with some nature cards. I sat down to turn on my computer, only to see that some of the cards had fallen on the floor, not sure if it was before or after my meditation, so put them together, said another prayer, and asking for what I needed and that what I didn`t need, be taken away.

I got a card that said, `Happiness from the past,` which was a result of a long time friend connecting with me and meeting with a good friend yesterday in the mall. My last card was the eagle, which promises vision, power, and healing.

Like this, our gifts are very varied and some have been hidden over the years and we have to look at who we are in today and what we can do. As I like to say, `More will be revealed.` It is amazing what we can do, with our God behind us, supporting us on new ventures. Sometimes I found things that I thought I knew, was laughable and best not done again! :)

One of the reasons I kept coming back to the program was that I wanted the freedom the program offered.

Freedom from active addiction, freedom to be myself, freedom to find the God of my understanding, freedom to heal through the 12 Steps.

As a woman once shared, "I had to learn to live the Traditions, until such a time as I could work the Steps. Recovery is a program of progress, not perfection. I am offered freedom from addiction, be it to alcohol, drugs, men, relationships, work, etc., one day at a time.

Not feeling good tonight, a body ache and a heart ache about my sister being in the hospital.

What do I do? I pray, meditate, and come online. Even if I am not able to always share, I can read and get the spiritual food I need.

Guilt is often projected onto others and we allow ourselves to take it on. So often old tapes trip us up, and we feel guilty for things said and done. It is the past and I do not have to carry it in today. That was then, this is now, and all I have to do is send my God a knee-mail and ask for healing and forgiveness. Instead of carrying around those old tapes, make new ones. It is not always my job, my fault, my responsibility, etc. ¨It is though, if I take it on and if I do not recognize what is mine and what is not.¨ Just because it is said, doesn't make it true or that it is your truth.

Went to the hospital to see my sister. I was glad to leave and get fresh air. Hamilton doesn't have the freshest air, it is called the Steel Town. It does have trees and I have a couple of parks near me. When it rains, I try to think of it a big City wash and a drink for those trees and other plants.

Never had a desire to fly unless it was to some distant place I wanted to go, but because of my addiction and the addiction of my family, I never got very far.

A pity party doesn't get you very far, always figured I had an over active imagination, but had to make sure I stayed grounded in today, instead of projecting into the future.

The difference in today, is that I may decide to take a time out and sit on the pity pot, but in today, thanks to the program, I have a choice as to how long I stay there.

I don't have a lot of pity in today, the pain is there, but when I think back on how I abused myself and allowed others to abuse me, it is no wonder that my emotions, my mental thoughts and body memories, make them self known in today. It all has to be healed, not stuffed away, out of sight, out of mind, until we wonder why we are hurting so badly.

Like the reading say, it is best to listen to the song and enjoy the presence of the bird, instead of worrying as to whether it was going to dump on you.

Relationships with ex-boyfriends and from people who are still using, especially those who think I don't have a problem. It is generally there denial, because if I had one, they just might have one too, especially if they drank with me.

Like this, affirms my own belief. It isn't so much what you say or what you do, it is how you say and do it! Words and actions can make a difference, when you watch how they are spoken and acted out. Again, all we are asked to do is try. Just because we make a mistake, doesn't mean we are one. It is how you pick yourself up and try again. You can't undo your actions, and even saying sorry, doesn't cut it after it is heard time and again. It is about learning from our mistakes and trying not to do them again.

This really spoke to me. Lately, I have been losing my voice several times a day, and never associated it with sadness. I have seen it as words that haven't been expressed, words that have been suppressed, because they were better left unsaid. When I don''t get out much, and I am isolated, my vocal chords aren't used very often. My fingers do my talking in today. :)

For me it is bridge, I haven't played for about 3 years. First it was the medication the doctor's put me on, then it was too expensive and the spare change didn't seem to be there, yet I had 3 free coupons in my wallet. I blamed my son, because if I had spare change in my purse, he took it for 'coffee' because he thought that what is mine is his. It got so that I was hiding money, and a few times, couldn't find where I had put it.

The games the "A" plays when in active addiction, and yet by allowing it to happen, is just as much my fault as his. I sent him away from my door time and again. He would come back, take and go back out and use someone else. I know that for many years he was my addiction, I couldn't say "No!" and lived my life through him, and put my life on hold.

When he first went into detox and recovery, I stopped going to AA, NA, and CA to give him the freedom to go where he needed to be and I just went to Al-Anon. I would go to day meetings once in a while, because I can never forget where I came from. I needed to put priorities back in my life. Letting go of what is fun and necessary in my life, doesn't make it healthy, especially when done for the wrong reasons.

Our children have their own Higher Power and we aren't it.

Many get the idea that if they rush through the steps, they will be all better. They don`t realize that when you get to 12, you start again on Step One. I do Steps 1-3 every morning. When anything comes up in my day to day living and is rooted in the past, I apply Steps 4-9, and to maintain my emotional sobriety, I works Steps 10-12.

The program is not a quick fix, it is a living program, that helps me deal with life one day at a time.

Think I am already grieving my son's departure although he doesn't leave for another ten days. Always grief for what could have been, what could I have done different, is it all my fault, etc?

For me, first things first, which is my sobriety. Sobriety to me is soundness of mind. I need to apply the Steps to all areas of my life. Being an alcoholic, addict, codependent, adult child of an alcoholic, but that doesn't define who I am. I am not my disease. I have to allow the program to work, and look at myself, instead of looking out to find something or someone to make me feel better.

Love the quote, we overcome our fears instead of trying to make them all go away.

When I went to see an intuitive healer many years ago, they say that issues with our feet and ankles, represented insecurities.
My meditation last night affirmed that, the thought of not being able to get around, makes me fearful. Fear of walking and falling down and not being able to get back up.

The difference today, it isn't about falling into active addiction, and it isn't about falling because I am drunk or stoned, but every day issues and not being able to take care of myself in my own apartment.

God and I have to do some more work on that. I know He is there for me, but more importantly, I need to be there for myself and practice self-care. To do that, I need to replenish my faith, and go to my God for the strength, courage, and what ever else I need to live in today, clean and sober.

Even though I haven't used drugs and alcohol, I have to work on my emotional sobriety, and change all obsessive, compulsive disorders thinking and actions, into something healthy and balance my life, so there are not those extreme highs and lows.

This is a hard one! Especially, with my left toe, foot and ankle all swollen and red. The problem is that there isn't much pain, so therefore I didn't pay much attention. It should be there, so the circulation is bad in my body, which I know and yet discounted it. Perhaps, because I have had pain in some form or another all of my life.

They say never fear, what you fear you will attract. One of my fears has always been not being able to get around and doing what I want to do when I want to do it.

Know my humor is a bit sick, but saw this and thought, ¨Do not assume, it makes an a$$ out of you and me.¨

For me, the best thing I can do is get out of my own way and allow my God to work through me, instead of around, over, and act in spite of me.

How can I ask for help, pray, call my sponsor, go to a meeting (any meeting), call a friend, preferably a member of the fellowship. As it says in the Bible, "Ask and you will receive." You need to accept how it comes, even if it is unknown and an unlikely source.

Yesterday, as a result of prayer and meditation, I got a call from the Holistic Center. They could have called anyone but they chose me to fill the cancellation. It may have been because I live close, but that is besides the point. I got what I needed. When the treatment was finished, I was walked to the elevator and I asked for a hug.

Very sad and very blessed.

A good one, it is so easy into trying to fit in, follow our peers and do things that are not us!

I was having a chuckle with my son last night. I said, "There would have been a time that I wouldn't have been caught dead in what I am wearing." He said, "Don't worry mother, there are people who would like the combination you are wearing. I had on avocado green, navy and white striped pedal pushers, green and white socks, and a pink top with purple, green, yellow, and gold dotted decal in the front. Gruesome! Enough to give me nightmares if I think about it. For Ms. Perfection, this was a big step. It is good except, that the thinking behind the actions was, "I don't care, which is NOT good."

The male is our survivor side. My female side is our nurturing side. It was about 8 years sober, when I did a meditation and the message I got was, "Your female side is languishing." Just love that word. I found it to be quite true. I was a jean, black t-shirt, hat, jacket, and boot kind of person. Three days later, a friend called to say she had some things he had outgrown and would fit me, would I be offended if she brought them to me. I ended up with dresses and skirts. ;)

Tears of happiness is good. They are cleansing and good for the soul too. I am really hurting today because of the weather and I think my emotional and mental state due to my son`s action, or non-actions and not getting on the bus and following through with his plan. I am powerless, except to pray. I can`t allow my pain to dictate my life. I can`t allow it to take away the happiness of a moment.