Wisdom Of The Rooms - 2020
 

January 6

Quote of the Week

"My mind is like a bad neighborhood — I don’t go in it alone."

One of the dangers of being alone for me is that I start thinking. Now, for a normal person, that may be okay, but for an alcoholic like me, that almost always means trouble. Colored by the disease of alcoholism, my mind seeks problems and reasons why nothing will work out. Even my so-called good ideas soon get me into trouble.

If I dwell in the bad neighborhood of my mind, I can also get depressed. I once heard that alcoholism wants me dead but will settle for drunk. If I get lost down its streets, soon I’m cut off from life and the light of my Higher Power, and I start believing alcoholism’s dark thoughts. Depressed and alone, my disease has seemingly won—until I reach out.

Today, I’ve learned to share my thoughts with others and to let them into my thought process. I’m no longer comfortable going into the neighborhood of my mind alone and find over and over that things always work out best when I have company. Today, when I’m feeling anxious or depressed, I ask myself if I’m in the dark neighborhood of my mind alone. And if so, I call you.

January 13

Quote of the Week

"When I’m alone and by myself, I’m outnumbered."

I remember the first time I heard about the committee. Someone shared that when she went to sleep, the committee in her head got together and started going over all the things that were wrong and why her life was never going to work out. They gathered evidence, put a solid case together, and then reached their decision. When she woke up in the morning, they handed her their verdict: guilty and sentenced to a miserable life!

Boy, could I relate. I have my own committee of voices that constantly tell me things aren’t going to work out, that my past mistakes are insurmountable, and that no matter how hard I try, I will never be happy. When I’m alone, the committee is especially active, and after a few days of listening to their decrees, I’m overwhelmed and defeated.

In recovery, I’ve learned that being alone and listening to my own thinking almost always leads to trouble. I was taught early on that my thinking is distorted by the disease of alcoholism. My best hope for right action and happiness is to run my thoughts by my sponsor and others in the program. Once I let others in, the committee disappears, and I am restored to sanity. Today, I recognize the danger of being alone and outnumbered.

January 20

Quote of the Week

"We either hang together, or we hang alone."

As my drinking got worse, I became more and more of a loner. After a close call of getting pulled over while I had been drinking (I somehow managed not to get arrested), I decided to stop going out to clubs. It was just easier to stay home and drink and listen to music. I also stopped receiving invitations to parties, and at first, I didn’t notice, then I didn’t care. It had been a long time since I had been in a relationship, and since my family couldn’t keep up with the way I liked to drink, I stopped hanging out with them, too. At the end, it was just me, my booze, and my resentments.

When my best friend finally took me to a meeting, I hated it. First, there were a lot of people there and they all seemed so fake and much too happy. What was there to be happy about? I thought. You’re at an Alcoholics Anonymous meeting! And then some people came up to me and gave me their phone numbers and told me to call them. That won’t be happening, I thought. Finally, after the meeting was over and I was sneaking out the back door, my friend told me we were going out to “fellowship” at a restaurant. That was the last straw! I told him, “Some other time,” and made my escape.

I stayed “out” another year, and when I finally crawled into the rooms, I was ready. Early on, I saw someone celebrate a six-year anniversary, and he said something I will never forget. He said, “Find someone you can tell the truth to; we don’t do this alone.” Thank God I took his advice. The moment I began to let the program in, the fellowship in, and a God of my own understanding into my life, I began to recover. By getting involved, I got out of me and got into “we.” And then I finally understood: We either hang together or we hang alone.

January 27

Quote of the Week

"If you are sober today, you are tied for first place."

When I was new to the program, I used to compare the amount of sober time I had against others. When I had 60 days, I felt less than those who got chips for 120 days. When I got 120 days, I envied those who made it to a year. When I finally got a whole year of sobriety, I watched the next person on the stage take a cake for three years, and I felt like a newcomer again.

When I confided these feelings to my sponsor, he told me I was comparing my insides with someone else’s outsides again. He told me this was a twenty-four-hour-a-day program, and that if I was sober today, I had just as much time as anyone else. Besides, he said, it’s the quality of your sobriety, not the quantity of days. As I started watching people with several years drink again, I felt the gravity of his words.

Today, I have what some consider to be long-term sobriety. Some newcomers talk to me as if I have it all figured out, and they tell me they wish they had the recovery to stay sober like I do. I quickly tell them that if they have today, they have exactly the same sobriety I do. I remind them, and myself, that I am just as close to a drink as they are, and that my daily solution is the same as theirs. For those who are still comparing, I tell them if you are sober today, you are tied for first place.

February 3

Quote of the Week

"I’ll never be happy as long as I keep comparing my insides with someone else’s outsides."

It is very easy for me to feel less than. I’m constantly comparing myself to other people and asking why I don’t have a better car, a bigger house, or more money. I’m convinced that most people are happier than I am, know something I don’t, or are having a better life. While I’ve always felt something was wrong with me, it wasn’t until I entered recovery that I found out what it was.

I remember having this discussion with my sponsor and him telling me that alcoholism is a disease of perception. He told me there are three beliefs most alcoholics have that will forever prevent them from being happy. First, he said that we believe that what we don’t have is almost certainly better than what we do have. Second, no matter how much we have of something, we’re sure that having more of it would be better. The third belief is that when we finally get what we want, then we’ll be happy.

Now, I don’t know how he read my mind, but that sure described me! When I asked him what I was supposed to do next, he told me that God could and would restore me to sanity if I was willing to work Step Two. I was. It’s taken awhile, but today I have an attitude of gratitude, I’m comfortable in my own skin, and I have a peace and serenity that no car or amount of money could ever give me. And best of all, I’m truly happy because I no longer feel the need to compare my insides with someone else’s outsides.

February 10

Quote of the Week

"Recovery is the only place where you can walk into a room full of strangers and reminisce."

When I began going to meetings, I remember how uncomfortable it was being around so many people I didn’t know. As soon as they found out I was new to the program, many of them came up to me and gave me their phone numbers, asked me how I was doing, and wanted to know all kinds of things that I didn’t want to tell them. It was all overwhelming.

As I sat and listened to people share, I was pretty sure I didn’t belong because I hadn’t done half the stuff I was hearing. That’s when my sponsor told me I hadn’t done them yet. He asked me if I identified with the other half, and I admitted I did. He suggested I should look for the ways I was the same, rather than the ways I was different.

It’s amazing how that little piece of advice has changed my life. Now, no matter what part of the world I am in, I can always find a part of myself in the strangers I meet in the rooms of recovery. Even if I don’t know you personally, I know I can identify with many of your experiences and with the way you feel and think. This is what allows strangers like us to start reminiscing the first time we ever meet.

February 17

Quote of the Week

"Just because you’re having a bad day doesn’t mean you’re having a bad life."

It’s amazing the way my mind used to work. When things were good, it told me they wouldn’t last. When things were bad, it told me they were going to get worse. When I was having a bad day, it told me every other day was going to be just as bad, and that no matter how hard I tried, my life would end in failure.

When I entered recovery, the first thing I learned was that alcoholism was a disease of perception. I was told that what was happening in my head didn’t always reflect what was happening in my life, and I was given tools to help me tell the difference. Gratitude lists helped me see the good instead of the imagined bad; running my thinking by others helped me see past my insanity, and working with others always helped me feel better no matter what was going on.

It took a long time to develop a new perspective with my thinking, but by being willing to change, and by working hard at it, I now know that much of what my mind tells me is a lie. To counter this today, when I wake up I turn my thoughts over to my Higher Power, and I let Him direct my thinking. If I’m having a bad day, I know I can start it over at any time, and I do that by saying to myself, “Thy will, not mine be done.” This always works. Today, I know that if I’m having a bad day, it doesn’t mean I’m having a bad life. It just means it’s time to turn it over.

February 24

Quote of the Week

"Directions to recovery: Just go straight to hell and make a U-turn."

When I was new to the program, I heard a word I didn’t know the definition of. The word was “perdition.” As the fog began to clear, my sponsor recommended I look it up. When I read its meaning, I knew it accurately described my state of being: perdition means complete spiritual bankruptcy.

During the final, dark months and days of my drinking, one by one I abandoned my self-respect, my self-care, and ultimately the light of my spirit. I was on the way to a private hell where hope—and life itself—would soon disappear forever. In a desperate moment, a part of me reached out for help, and I made the U-turn that led me to recovery.

The miracle that I found in recovery is the miracle that awaits us all, no matter how far down we have fallen, no matter the state of despair or the depths of the abyss into which we have descended. Our collective experience is we will recover if we are willing to work the Twelve Steps. When we do, we find that the very experience that nearly took our lives enables us, over time, to help and save another. This is the enduring miracle that is available to all who keep coming back. No matter what, don’t leave before the miracle happens for you, too.

March 2

Quote of the Week

"The difference between my will and God’s will is that my will starts out easy and gets hard, while God’s will starts out hard and gets easy."

A perfect example of this quote is the program itself. When I was new, my will often told me that it would be much easier to just keep drinking and doing what I had been doing, than to work the program and take all those Steps. Of course, my will had always seemed easier, but when I bottomed out I saw how hard that path had really been. By staying sober, I found that God’s will for me was to recover, and though early recovery was hard at first, my life got infinitely better and became more fulfilling.

What I learned in recovery is that the main problem with my will is that it is driven by my incessant wants and needs. It tricks me into thinking that I deserve to satisfy myself first, and only then can I be available to help another. As I pursue my will and trample over others to get what I want, I find that my will is insatiable, and I quickly become lost in its demands.

God’s will, on the other hand, is about focusing on and helping others first. When I pray for the knowledge of God’s will and the power to carry that out, I become interested in what’s right for all concerned, the whole picture of which I am just a part. I find that as I become truly focused on helping others get what they want and need, my wants lessen, and soon I realize that I have much more than I need. Because helping others brings such peace and serenity into my life, I know this has been God’s will for me all along.

March 9

Quote of the Week

"Everyone has a Higher Power, and it’s not me."

What a relief it was when I heard this quote for the first time. I’ve spent a lot of time thinking about what’s best for you, a lot of energy trying to arrange things for you, and a lot of time worrying about what’s going to happen to you. In other words, I was pretty sure that I knew what was best for everyone else, and I felt like it was my job to bring that about.

When I heard this quote, it restored me to my proper role in your (and everyone else’s) life. It relieved me of a lot of responsibility. It reminded me that you have your own path and that my role is to support and love you, not direct and control you. And it relieved me of responsibility by reminding me that you have a force in your life far greater in power and wisdom than me, and that is your Higher Power.

Once I stopped playing God, I stopped trying to direct life and instead learned to let go and let God. Today, when I worry about the challenges those I love and care about are going through, I recognize that I can be of the most service simply by being there for them, by helping them, and by loving them. But their ultimate solace, strength, and hope will always come from their own Higher Power. Today, I let go and let God work in my life and in the lives of others.

March 16

Quote of the Week

"Expectations are premeditated resentments."

Even after all my time in recovery, I often find that I still try to control people, places, and things. Even though the First Step teaches me about my powerlessness and the Third Step gives me direction for dealing with life, I still find myself resentful when things don’t go my way. And I can usually trace my resentments back to my expectations.

When I can get calm and take a sober look at a situation, I realize that my expectations are indications that I haven’t fully turned my will and life over to God. It means that I have tried to control everything again, and that I have forgotten my true role in life: to suit up and show up, do the best I can, and leave the results up to God. Since expectations are just results in disguise, it’s no wonder they so easily lead to resentments.

Today, I recognize expectations for what they are: reminders to refocus my energy and thoughts on the actions I am about to take, rather than trying to direct and control the results. It helps to work the First, Second, and Third Steps, as doing so allows me to remain open to God’s lessons and gifts that show up in the results. They are always there if I am open to them, and appreciating and learning from them keep me safe from unnecessary resentments.

March 23

Quote of the Week

"The biggest thing I have to do today is not take a drink."

When I was new to recovery, I felt overwhelmed by all the things I felt I needed to do. First there was staying sober and finding a sponsor and trying to figure out the Steps and all that entailed. Then there was the immediate wreckage of my life and the worries I had about my finances, my relationships, and even my health. Next, I would lie in bed at night worrying about the long-term consequences of my years of drinking, and I would replay the regrets and resentments I had. I was an emotional wreck.

As I started opening up to my sponsor about all this, he listened patiently and then gently nudged me back to the present. He always began with the same question: “Are you sober today?” I answered that I was, and then tried to add, “But . . .” He quickly interrupted me and told me that being sober was the most important thing I could do, and once I made sobriety my priority, everything else would, over time, work out. Secretly I didn’t believe him, but I was out of options.

What I came to understand was that all the things I worried about, and all the problems I had, were mostly the result of my alcoholism. I caused most of the pain and suffering in my life by being selfish and self-centered, and by my grandiose thinking. The solution, I found, started when I quit drinking and started working the Steps. Day by day, my life did improve, and I finally understood what people meant when they said that if I put my head down on my pillow at night and was sober, then regardless of whatever else was happening, I was a winner. Today, I know that the biggest thing I have to do is not take a drink.

March 30

Quote of the Week

"Wisdom is knowledge you learn after you know it all."

You couldn’t tell me anything before I entered recovery because I knew it all. I had all the answers for my life; I also had all the answers for your life, and I was quick to tell you about it. One of my favorite sayings back then was, “Those who think they know it all are really annoying to those of us who do!”

When I came into the program, I brought all my opinions into the rooms with me. At first I tried to do things my way and thought I had better answers than you. I mean, “Turn it over”? “Let go and let God”? That may work for you, but I was sure I knew better. Soon afterward, though, I was drunk.

When I finally admitted that I didn’t know how to stay sober, I became willing to admit that perhaps I didn’t know everything after all. That was the moment I became teachable, and it was the moment I began to recover. The longer I’m in the program, the more I realize that many times what I think I know just isn’t so. Today, I’m quick to admit that I don’t have all the answers, and when I do I become open to the wisdom that lies beyond.

April 6

Quote of the Week

"There are no victims, only volunteers. You always have a choice."

This was a tough lesson to learn. When I was new to the program, I felt like a victim in many situations and relationships. When I started complaining about my job or what my family was making me do, I expected to get some sympathy and understanding. I was shocked to be told that I was a willing volunteer in much of the drama and even the pain in my life. That was a hard pill to swallow.

And it didn’t go down easily. I had to do many fourth columns of the Fourth Step—my part—before I clearly understood that I had a choice, and so a role, in the uncomfortable situations in my life. As I began making different choices by not engaging in old family dynamics, or by making better decisions elsewhere, other people got pretty upset. They were used to me playing a certain role and so grew angry and resentful as I began to stick up for myself.

The breakthrough came as I continued to honor myself and make healthy choices. The miracle was that as I changed and recovered, the dynamics of my relationships changed. Soon, as I took more responsibility for myself, other people took responsibility for their actions as well. Together, we became less codependent, and through my recovery others experienced recovery also. And it all started when I accepted my role as a volunteer and began making different choices.

April 13

Quote of the Week

"Without tolerance for another, it’s hard to have empathy for myself."

“Tolerant” was one of the last words you would have used to describe me before I entered the program. Instead, I was quick to find fault with what you said or how you dressed, or what you did. My opinion of myself was so low that I constantly had to rip you down to build myself up. Living this way made me bitter, isolated, and resentful.

As I listed my resentments in the Fourth Step, I began to see how much fear and low self-esteem drove my decisions and actions, hurting both myself and others. As I worked with my sponsor, I developed an awareness and acceptance for myself. And as I listened to others sharing honestly and openly about similar struggles and fears, I began to feel a connection with them. For the first time, I experienced true empathy for others.

I once read a description of empathy as being an emotional echo that is sent out to the center of another person and returns with pieces of yourself. When I began finding pieces of myself in other people’s stories, I began to find the shared humanity in our experiences. And that is when I developed real tolerance and compassion for others, as well as for myself. Today, I understand that without tolerance for another, it’s hard to have empathy for myself.

April 20

Quote of the Week

"All unhappiness is the result of comparison."

When I was in my disease, I had a very skewed sense of perception. Rather than think about the things I did have, I was constantly comparing myself to what others had that I didn’t. As I drove along Pacific Coast Highway, I’d look at all the homes on Malibu Beach and envy and resent the people who had such wonderful lives. At restaurants, I’d see couples enjoying a romantic dinner, and I’d feel sorry for myself alone at the bar. I was constantly comparing myself to what I didn’t have, and as I did, what little happiness I did have slipped through my hands like sand in a sieve.

Before I attended my first meeting, my best friend made a recommendation to me. He told me to look for the similarities and not the differences. He knew how critical and judgmental I was and knew that if I focused my magnifying mind on the differences, then I wouldn’t stay. This was sage advice. As I listened for the similarities, I stopped comparing and began identifying. Once I learned that most of us felt less than and that comparing ourselves to other people, places, and things was just another way that alcoholism fed our discontent, I found a solution.

The gratitude list is a tool in my spiritual tool kit that gets used often. Recognizing that my mind automatically seeks the negative, I use it to be restored to sanity. Whenever I’m feeling less than, or when I begin comparing myself to others, I stop and make a written or mental list of twenty-five things for which I’m grateful. These include my health, my sobriety, my awareness of and relationship to my Higher Power, my beautiful marriage, and all the other things I have, including my ability to dream and have goals again. When I’m done counting my blessings, I’m also done comparing. And once I realize how much I do have, my happiness returns.

April 27

Quote of the Week

"It’s okay to look back. Just don’t stare."

A few weeks ago, my brother published a memoir about the early years of our family’s life in this country; we emigrated from England in the late 1950s. It tells the story of the rapid and painful breakup of our family due to my father’s alcoholism, and there are some harrowing scenes that were painful for me to read. When I finished the book, I was pretty shaken up, but after a few days I felt myself again. I was grateful for this and remembered that it wasn’t always this way.

Before recovery I was lost in the resentment, fear, and misunderstanding of my upbringing. I spent many years secretly wishing it had been different, and many more hating what had happened and what had been done to me. When I looked back on it, I would dwell on the wrongs that had been done, and the loathing I had for “them” soon turned into the self-loathing of my own alcoholism. Without recovery, it surely would have destroyed me as it had my family.

Through recovery, I have learned to sift through my past to find the lessons and even the gifts it has to offer. I know now that my upbringing and my experiences allow me to help others in a way that no one else can. This is one of the miracles of recovery. Today, I don’t have to relive my past, but I don’t have to shut the door on it either. Today, I know that it’s okay, and even valuable, to look back—as long as I don’t stare.

May 4

Quote of the Week

"Overheard at a meeting: ‘How are you?’ ‘Probably a lot better than I think.’"

This quote resonated deeply with me when I first heard it. What an accurate and appropriate way to answer a question I get asked so many times a day. And isn’t it true? Most of the time I walk around with a completely different picture of how I’m doing and what’s going on in my life. For years my disease distorted the thoughts I had about my life versus the reality of it. It’s no wonder I drank so much.

When I got sober, my thinking wasn’t completely restored to sanity. In fact, this quote reminds me that my thoughts are still driven by the disease of alcoholism. Even today, my head rarely tells me the truth; instead, it’s busy painting dark scenarios and building cases for why and how things won’t work out. It’s always planning a way and a reason for me to drink.

And that is why, even after many years in recovery, I still go to meetings and work the Steps. I’ve been told that while I’m sleeping, alcoholism is doing push-ups in the closet. It keeps me discontented and craving a drink. And the road to that ruin is still my distorted thinking. Today, I use the tools I have to stay spiritually fit. Today, I focus clearly on how good my life really is, and when asked how I’m doing, I realize that things are a lot better than I think.

May 11

Quote of the Week

"In recovery there are no losers, just slow winners."

I remember being in early recovery and feeling bad because I felt it wasn’t working. I’d tell my sponsor about it, and I can still hear him saying, “You’re exactly where you should be, and that’s exactly what you should be feeling right now.” At first, I thought he was just handing me a line, but after a while I believed him and learned to trust in the slow progress I was making in recovery.

Years later, I’d hear other newcomers complain about how bad they felt and about how terrible a day they were having. I can still hear the old-timers ask them if they had a drink that day. “No,” they would respond. “Then no matter how bad you think you’re doing, when you lay your head on your pillow tonight, you’re a winner.” It was comforting to hear that back then, and it still is today.

Now that I’ve been in sober awhile, I understand the wisdom in today’s quote. It doesn’t matter what you’re going through in recovery or how you feel. The fact that you are in recovery, that you have a program, and that you are developing or improving your conscious contact with a Power greater than yourself means that you’re a winner. You may feel like a loser sometimes, but more often, and in the long run, you’ll live a life filled with the joys and miracles of recovery.

May 18

Quote of the Week

"When I’m filled up with me, there is no room for God."

This quote reminds me of the story of a novice who once met with a Zen master for tea. As the novice went on and on about everything he thought he knew about the practice and meaning of Zen, the master just kept pouring tea into his cup until it overflowed onto the tray. The master then just kept pouring. Finally, shocked, the novice stopped talking and asked the master why he continued pouring when the cup was obviously full. The master replied, “You are like the cup. Your mind is so full of ideas and preconceptions that I cannot pour anything new into it.” The master then stood up and left.

When I got into recovery, I was also a novice. In the beginning, I was so full of my own selfish ideas, needs, and demands that I couldn’t take in much recovery. The best I could do was to stay sober one day at a time. Thankfully, this was enough for me to realize that I didn’t have all the answers, and by continuing to come to meetings, I became humble enough to listen and learn a new way of life. By working the Steps, I was slowly able to empty myself of me, which created room for God to come into my life.

Today, it’s still easy for me to get wrapped up in my own life, my old ideas, and silly demands. What saves me—what always works to empty myself of me—is to work with others. As soon as I get together with a sponsee or with someone else at a meeting, I am instantly emptied of ego, and God rushes into that void. Suddenly I become calm, useful, and genuinely concerned with helping somebody else. And it is in this state that the miracle of recovery takes place. They say Alcoholics Anonymous is simply one drunk taking to another, and that is the simple truth and power of the program. It all starts by emptying myself of me and allowing in God and others.

May 25

Quote of the Week

"Sit down, shut up, and listen."

When I was brand-new to the program, I had a lot to share. I liked going to participation meetings because I thought you needed to hear what I thought I knew about drinking, and even about regaining control. I didn’t buy that alcoholism was a disease, and I harbored the belief that as soon as I got things settled down, I could probably resume drinking more moderately. Finally, my sponsor pulled me aside and gave me a suggestion.

He told me, as nicely as he could, that for the time being I might want to listen more, rather than share. He suggested that the people in the rooms could do something I never could—stay sober and happy for many years. He told me that if I wanted what they had, then perhaps I should listen to their experience and take the actions they took. He encouraged me to share my thoughts and feelings with him, one on one, but at meetings he essentially suggested I sit down, shut up, and listen.

Once I became willing to take things in, I started making better progress in my recovery. As I began working the Steps, I found I really needed the experience, strength, and hope I heard from others in meetings. After a while, I began sharing again, but I was taught to only share my experience on a topic, not my opinion. By following the early direction I was given, I have been granted the gift of recovery. And it all started by sitting down, shutting up, and listening.

June 1

Quote of the Week

"But by the grace of God, there go I."

In early sobriety I sometimes had trouble identifying with other people’s alcoholism, and often wondered whether I belonged. After all, I had never been to prison for manslaughter while driving drunk. I never robbed a liquor store in a blackout or woke up in a different state—or country—not knowing how I got there. There were countless other things that had never happened to me either. As I discussed this with my sponsor, he said I hadn’t experienced these things—yet.

As I started working the Steps and writing inventories, I began to see what he meant. First of all, I actually had crashed a car while drunk, and I had been arrested for it when I was a minor. Thankfully, I hit an unoccupied parked car, and no one in my vehicle was injured. Other inventories revealed plenty of times I blacked out and came to in strange circumstances. As I looked deeper, I identified more with the stories I heard, and I felt the gravity of the word “yet.”

Today, I know my stories could have ended very differently if I had continued drinking, and any of the outcomes I heard others share could easily have been my fate as well. Moreover, I also know that any of these terrifying endings could be in my future also—they are only one drink away. Today, when I see or hear these stories, I say a quiet prayer of gratitude, for I know that “but by the grace of God, there go I."

June 8

Quote of the Week

"Anger is one letter away from danger."

When I came into the program, I was so angry, but I didn’t realize how much. For years I had used drugs and alcohol to numb my feelings, to manage and hide them. When my temporary solutions were taken away, my anger quickly turned to rage, and I soon found that I had turned much of this rage inward. In fact, today I still believe that a core characteristic of alcoholism is deep self-loathing.

Thank God for recovery. By working the Twelve Steps I learned how to forgive others and myself and take responsibility for my part. I also learned how to surrender to a Power greater than myself. Slowly, I began to release a lot of the regret and resentment that made up a great deal of my rage. And once the rage dissipated, I actually had the ability to choose healthier ways of dealing with my feelings.

But I still get angry sometimes. These days I’ve learned that when I do get angry, I’m still in danger of turning it inward and acting in self-destructive ways. I’m quick to isolate and grow depressed, to tell someone off and create resentments, or even to eat too much and go back into self-loathing. Thankfully, I have learned to acknowledge and deal with my anger before it turns into rage. Today, I realize that anger is one letter away from danger, and I use my program to stay out of harm’s way.

June 15

Quote of the Week

"I have a God-shaped hole."

For most of my life I have felt an emptiness in my core. As a child I tried to fill this emptiness with constant TV watching or pigging out on candy, and so on. When I discovered alcohol and drugs, I devoured both, trying to fill the void I felt. When I began my professional career, I used the money I made to fill the hole by buying cars, clothes, and other material items. The horrible thing is that nothing worked. No matter how much I ate or drank or bought, the desperate feeling of emptiness never went away.

When I entered recovery, I began hearing others talk about a similar hole they felt as well. I heard familiar tales of obsessive use and abuse of alcohol and other things, all in an attempt to fill that hole. No matter how much or in what combination they tried, nothing worked. Everyone still felt irritable, restless, and discontented. I heard many people say that they felt like others were given the operating manual to life, but they didn’t get one. I felt that same way for most of my life, too.

As I made my way through the Twelve Steps, my feeling of emptiness began to subside. The deeper into the journey I ventured, the more my hole seemed to get filled. The closer I got to my Higher Power, the more centered and fulfilled I became. As I talked to others about this, I was told that all my life I had a God-shaped hole, and that I had been trying to fill it with the wrong things. Only a surrender and connection to God could ever fill the emptiness I felt. As I poured His love and light into my life, I felt whole for the first time. Today, I know that I have a God-shaped hole, and only continued conscious contact will keep me whole and happy.

June 22

Quote of the Week

"I can prove the world is a miserable place."

As I approached my bottom, I perfected the art of negative thinking. Fueled by the disease of alcoholism, my mind searched for and found the reason my life sucked, and then proved to me that it was never going to get better. It then went on to confirm why the whole world was such a miserable place, what with the wars, the suffering children, the crooked politicians, special-interest groups, and more. At the end of my drinking, it didn’t matter if I lived or escaped the whole mess.

I didn’t have much hope that sobriety would change my life for the better. I thought that even if I did manage to stay sober, I would still have all my problems, the world would still be a mess, and I still had more proof of the negative than the positive. I acquired some invaluable tools, though, as I began working the Steps. I learned to focus on just today, just this moment, and to stay out of the future. I learned to be a positive influence in the lives of others by helping them and giving of myself. And most of all, I learned how to develop a relationship with a Higher Power.

Fast-forward now to many years of recovery. The world is still a mess, I still have problems in my life, but something has changed—and the change is within me. Today, my internal landscape is based on the spiritual ideals of the Twelve Steps, and today, I seek to be a channel of God’s grace. Today, I look for the good in people, places, and things, and because of that, I have a choice of what kind of proof I gather—and I know that there is plenty of good in the world as long as I’m willing to recognize it.

June 29

Quote of the Week

"A mistake is only a mistake when I don’t learn from it."

It was hard making the same mistakes over and over. Each new relationship ended just like the last one, and after a while I just resigned myself to being single the rest of my life. Same thing with jobs. Each new, exciting opportunity ended like the last disappointment, and soon I was unemployed again, searching through the Sunday classified ads. As each area of my life crashed and burned, I finally had to admit the unmanageability of it all, and I surrendered.

When I finally reached Step Four of the program and learned about the first three columns of the Fourth Step inventory, I finally thought I would be vindicated. Now I could list what others had done to me and assign the proper blame for the failure of my life. And that is when my sponsor sprung the mysterious fourth column on me—my part. What at first seemed a gross insult—“What do you mean my part? Look at what they’ve done to me!”—soon turned out to be the key to my freedom and recovery.

What I learned is that it was my character defects that were truly the cause of my repeated suffering. For as long as I was unwilling to change how I behaved, my life would remain unmanageable. I learned that when I finally admitted and corrected my part, that was when I could begin learning from the mistakes I was making and move past them. Today, when something doesn’t go my way, I am quick to look at my part and to see where I have been at fault. Doing so allows me not only to learn from it but also to avoid repeating it in the future.

July 6

Quote of the Week

"I would love to, but I need to talk to my sponsor first."

While I was in my disease, I listened to my own best thinking, and you can imagine where that got me. Time and time again I’d follow one “good idea” with another, until I was in so much trouble I didn’t know what to do. And that’s when I’d think of the best idea ever, and I’d act on it. After a while, the only thing worse than my problems were my solutions to them!

When I entered the program, my sponsor constantly asked me if I had any good ideas left. Plenty, I told him. “Make sure and run your thinking by me first then,” he said. When I objected to this, he reminded me that my best thinking was what had gotten me into the rooms. As I followed his direction, and as he walked me through the inevitable consequences of my thinking, I began to see the wisdom of his advice.

What is so interesting to me now is that even with years in recovery, my thinking remains much the same. It is still driven by the disease of alcoholism and automatically defaults to self-will and self-seeking. Because of this, I’ve found that the same advice I was given in the beginning of sobriety remains true for me today. I should still run my “good ideas” by my sponsor first.

July 13

Quote of the Week

"The problem with isolating is that you get such bad advice."

By the end of my drinking, I was all alone. Unlike some of the stories I hear about people drinking in bars, I preferred to drink alone in my home. My friends were gone, my family wasn’t inviting me over, and it was just me and my alcohol. After months of listening to my own best thinking, I had run out of options and was at the end of my rope. By some miracle, I was able to reach out for help, and my journey in recovery began.

While I have worked the Twelve Steps several times over the years and labored hard to turn my character defects over to God, I still find that my default mode is to isolate. I stay in, turn off my phone, and binge-watch movies I’ve seen a hundred times. When I do, I am cut off from others and from my Higher Power, and that’s when my best alcoholic thinking starts again. What I’ve learned is that it never has anything good to say.

Today, I do the things I learned to do early in sobriety to keep from isolating: I have a sponsor, I get commitments at meetings, and I say yes when asked to participate. I also answer the phone these days and am willing to help another. In other words, I continue to take contrary action because, as they say, “An alcoholic’s best thinking treats loneliness with isolating.” And when I’m isolating, the advice I get is all bad.

July 20

Quote of the Week

"Each morning if I don’t address my alcoholism, then alcoholism will address me."

It is so easy for me to forget I have alcoholism. I can go along for a few days not attending meetings and not praying or meditating each morning, but if I do, alcoholism quickly takes over. Soon I am irritable, restless, and discontented. Sometimes I don’t make the connection right away, but then I remember that I haven’t done anything to address my alcoholism. And I remember what I once heard in a meeting: day and night alcoholism is getting stronger, and it is just waiting for me to relax so it can take control again.

One of the most important things I learned in the program is that it is alcoholism, not alcoholwasim. Regardless of how much distance I have put between my last drink and today, alcoholism is alive and well and is still whispering in my ear. My sobriety is still a daily reprieve from this devastating disease based on my spiritual condition in any given moment. What I need to do today, even after years of continuous sobriety, is the same thing I had to do on day one—treat my disease.

I have learned many ways of treating my alcoholism, but one of the most important is to start my day by practicing prayer and meditation. By spending some time in the morning with my Higher Power, I am able to feed my spirit, turn my will and my life over, and establish conscious contact with God. By doing so, I maintain my spiritual condition and gain the strength I need to resist the subtle yet steady current of my disease. Today, I continue to address alcoholism each morning before it addresses me.

July 27

Quote of the Week

"It is the mosquitoes that will chase me out of the woods, not the bears!"

It’s amazing how I intuitively know how to handle the big things. A few weeks ago, my brother and his wife, who live right around the corner from me, came home from vacation to find their home had been robbed. At 2 AM they pounded on my door, waking me up from a dead sleep. I sprang into action getting them access to the Internet to check their accounts, calming them down, and helping in any way I could. If only I could handle the little things as easily . . .

Last week, I noticed my kitchen faucet had come loose from the sink. Each time I turned it on, it wiggled back and forth, and I couldn’t decide what to do about it. I looked underneath and there didn’t seem to be any way to tighten it, and I didn’t want to spend $200 on a plumber to fix it. I quickly began to obsess on it, and as soon as it started dripping, I was at my wit’s end!

Even though the little things can still paralyze me and leave me feeling helpless, thank God I have a program that has taught me what to do. I’ve learned to reach out to others and find someone who has experience with what I’m going through. I now know that I don’t have to fix everything at once; rather, I just have to take the next indicated action. And most of all, I’ve learned how to ask for help. Today, with the guidance of the program, I know how to handle both the big and the little things.

August 3

Quote of the Week

"If God leads you to it, He will lead you through it."

I came into the program with so much fear. I didn’t even know how much fear dominated my life because I used drugs, alcohol, food, sex, and people—anything I could—to hide from it. As I began to get clean and sober, the suffocating fear bubbled to the surface and quickly manifested itself as anger, rage, irritability, discomfort, and depression. Needless to say, I was not a happy camper in early recovery.

I was amazed when people shared in meetings about how they walked through real life, and real scary stuff, without drinking. They had experienced the deaths of those near to them, they lost jobs, houses, spouses, their own health, and more. I felt like these things would have devastated me. I wondered how they could deal with all this and still stay sober. And where do they get the strength to face all this with peace, courage, and even grace?

Today, I know this courage comes from God. Now my near constant fear has been replaced with consistent faith in my Higher Power. I’ve discovered from watching others, and through my own experience of letting God lead me through my own difficulties, that I can also face life on life’s terms and go through my own challenges with serenity and courage. Today, I rely on God to lead me through the things He leads me to.

August 10

Quote of the Week

"The three most dangerous words for an alcoholic: ‘I’ve been thinking.’"

It took me a long time to learn that my head isn’t my friend. For years in the program, I heard it was best to run my thinking by others, but I secretly never believed it. My head would always convince me it had a better idea, and time and time again I followed its advice. It almost always turned out badly because what I always forgot was that my thinking was usually centered on me.

After many more bottoms, in many different areas, I finally became willing to check in more often with others. It was hard at first because I was sure I wouldn’t like what I heard, or they wouldn’t let me have my way, but once again contrary action saved the day. After listening to and actually following other’s suggestions, things turned out better, and my life began to get better, too.

What’s so interesting is that today, even with years of experience of checking in with others, my head still tries to convince me to follow its advice. The voice in my head is subtle, and, like alcoholism, it can be cunning, baffling, and powerful. I know better than to listen to it (most of the time), and I will forever be grateful for my sober experience and the loving support and direction I get from my friends in the fellowship. Today, though, those three words, “I’ve been thinking,” still remain dangerous.

August 17

Quote of the Week

"You grow, or you go."

Years ago, when I was new to the program, I heard someone say that if you got a horse thief sober, all you had was a sober horse thief. I couldn’t for the life of me understand what that meant. At the time, I thought that if someone got sober, then everything else would change, too. All the problems would go away, situations would get better, and life would improve in general. How wrong I was.

When I got sober, I still had a lot of old ideas that I acted on. I still felt like I deserved more than most people, and now that I wasn’t drinking anymore, I felt that the world owed me even more. Getting a normal job still seemed beneath me, so I used that as a rationalization to continue my illegal activities. My sense of entitlement led me to keep cheating in other ways as well, and soon I was even more miserable than I had been while drinking.

When I confronted my sponsor and asked why I wasn’t feeling better now that I was sober, he said it was because I was refusing to recover. He said just putting the plug in the jug but not changing anything else meant I was just another sober horse thief. He explained that recovery meant working the Twelve Steps and growing past my old self. Only by discarding the old and having a spiritual experience would I change and feel better. As I watched others refuse to do this and go back out, I realized the wisdom in the saying: You grow, or you go.

August 24

Quote of the Week

"I may not know how to make it better, but I sure know how to make it worse."

I remember how bad things were before recovery, and how easy it was for me to make them worse. If my job wasn’t going well, I’d cop an attitude, show up late, or start slacking off (more than I already was). If my relationship wasn’t going the way I thought it should, I’d shut down and withhold—all with the justified thought, I’ll show her. No matter what was going wrong, I always found a way to make it worse.

When I entered recovery, my sponsor taught me that what happened in my life was my responsibility. He showed me how I had a part in everything that happened to me and how my solutions often became worse than the original problem. It took many years for me to accept this and many more to learn how to make better choices. Thank God I had the Twelve Steps to teach me how.

I have often heard people say that the program was the life manual they wish they would have had when growing up. I completely relate to this, because now I, too, know how to handle situations that used to baffle me. Best of all, though, by staying focused on my part, I know how to make things better. Today, I have a choice between making the situations in my life better or worse, and most of the time I make the right choice.

August 31

Quote of the Week

"Do the next ‘right thing.’"

While I was drinking, I had a knack for making bad decisions. I chose inappropriate partners in relationships, cheated in my job, and made other shortsighted choices that didn’t end well. What I didn’t know at the time was that the majority of the decisions I was making were based on selfish and self-seeking motives. By the end of my drinking, the consequences of these choices surrounded me, and I had to surrender.

When I was new in the program, I once again had many choices to make. How many meetings a week should I go to? Should I get a sponsor right away or wait for the perfect one? When should I get serious about working the Twelve Steps? I learned early on that I should never say no to an A.A. request, and I found that by taking suggestions, my life improved. I also found out the difference between my will (usually based on self) versus God’s will (based on service to others), and this helped me identify the next “right thing” to do.

Now that I’ve been sober awhile, I still have a lot of decisions and choices to make. Whether it is business, relationships, or any other part of my life, I still have to choose between self-will (what I want) or God’s will (what would be best for others or the situation). When I stop to think about it, I always know what the “right thing” to do is, and when I choose this, my life and that of others run more smoothly. I’ve learned, often through trial and error, that this is always the easier, softer way.

September 7

Quote of the Week

"Worry is a terrible waste of the imagination."

I used to be addicted to so many things—alcohol, drugs, food, sex, anything I could use to escape—and I abused them as I sought a way out of the impending doom I often felt. When I entered the program and began putting these vices and distractions down in my Fourth Step, I found I had been addicted to something else as well: worry.

It took a long time for my emotions to become stable and for my thoughts to become clear, but once they did, I was amazed at how much time and energy I spent worrying. I worried about my health, my job, my relationships, my future, and even my past. When I shared this with my sponsor, he explained that worry was caused by excessive self-will, and it meant that I hadn’t fully surrendered to my Higher Power.

After years of working the Twelve Steps, turning my will and life over to God, and spending more and more time looking for and trying to follow His will, I find that I worry less and less. Today, my mind is focused on what God would have me do and be, and from that place I’ve learned to take the next indicated action and to turn the results over to Him. These days, I use my imagination in a positive way: to envision my life and world as God intends it to be. And once I set about trying to make that happen, I become much happier.

September 14

Quote of the Week

"I suffer from ‘terminal uniqueness.’"

I used to think I was so special. Wherever I went and whatever I did, inside I’d constantly be thinking, Look at me! Notice what I’m doing, what I’m wearing, and so on. I used to think that the world revolved around me and that I was too unique and special to extend myself and help somebody. Someone else can be kind and save the world, I’d think. I’m way too important and busy for that. Because of this self-absorption, people avoided me, and I ended up being ignored and alone.

When I entered recovery, I brought my self-centered point of view with me. I secretly felt that as soon as people saw how I did the Steps, there would be a revolution within all of A.A. As I began working them, however, and my ego began breaking down, I had to confront the fact that I was no more special than anyone else. My sponsor told me I suffered from “terminal uniqueness,” and the sooner I let go of that delusion, the better off I’d be. The quickest way to do that, he suggested, was to get humble and help someone.

I used to think there were too many people and situations that needed help, so what was the point of extending myself? But then one day at a meeting, I heard a story. Two people were walking on a beach where a hundred starfish had washed up and were stranded on the shore. One of the guys picked one up and threw it back into the sea. The other guy asked what he did that for. “With all the other starfish lying on the beach dying, throwing one back isn’t going to make a difference,” he said. “It made a difference to that one,” the other guy replied. And so it is with putting aside my feelings of terminal uniqueness. If I help just one person today, then I’ve made a big difference.

September 21

Quote of the Week

"The best escape from a problem is to solve it."

When I got sober, I was still running from my problems. Besides not picking up a drink, my behavior was just the same as before. My job was the same, and I still had all the problems from that; my shaky and shady relationships were the same, and the problems that came with them persisted as well. In meetings I had some relief from the wreckage of my life, but once they were over, my problems descended like a thick fog.

When I started working with my sponsor, he encouraged me to reveal my back-pocket plans for fixing my problems. These were the self-centered and selfish ideas I had to either evade responsibility or escape the consequences of my actions. As we worked through Step Five, though, I finally accepted my part in things and realized that the only way to truly escape my problems was to attempt to solve them. And that meant making amends.

Steps Eight and Nine were terrifying for me on many levels. In addition to the shame and embarrassment I felt, I was also worried about the very real possibility of going to jail. I put many conditions over who I would approach and what I would reveal, and the back-and-forth started to drive me crazy. My sponsor finally told me there was only one way out of my fear: I had to make a decision and take an action. By becoming humble and making amends, I discovered the one true way to escape my problems, and that was to solve them.

September 28

Quote of the Week

"Everyone wants to feel better, but no one wants to change."

Before I had a program, I did a lot of things to feel better. I moved; changed jobs, girlfriends, and cars; tried different combinations of drugs and alcohol; took up yoga; joined a gym—the list is endless. While these things worked briefly, inevitably I would be left feeling that giant hole inside of me, a hole that I could never fill and that always made me miserable.

When I entered recovery, I had the same initial relief as when I tried other new ways to distract myself. After a while, though, that relief also began to wear off, and I could sense the emptiness returning. I met with my sponsor, and he told me I was feeling this way because I was resisting and refusing to change. “But I’m sober!” I told him. “Yeah, but you’re still trying to do things your way. Until you surrender and really work the Steps, you’ll just be the same old you—only you’ll be miserable and sober this time.”

Thank God my sponsor was willing to tell me the truth, and thank God I was ready to hear it. Deep down, I knew I was the common denominator in all the things I had tried that didn’t work, and once I got to Step Four and honestly looked at my part in things, I finally realized what had to change: me. While thoroughly working all the Steps, the promises began coming true for me, and today I am not the same man who entered the rooms all those years ago. Today, I am happy, joyous, and free. And that was worth changing for.

October 5

Quote of the Week

"Would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy?"

Now that was a hard one to answer when I was new. In fact, my answer back then was, “But I was right! He/she/they were wrong! It has nothing to do with being happy!” How wrong I was. By clinging to my self-righteous pride and ego, I fought a lot of people and a lot of things to maintain my right to be right. In the end, I was right about one thing: there was little happiness in my life.

In addition, I paid a steep price for this stubbornness. Living in opposition to people, places, and institutions takes a lot of energy, and it constantly creates resentments. And resentments will kill me. In order to stay alive, I’ve had to learn to forget about who is right or wrong, and instead to focus on my part. Mine is the only part I can control, and if my side of the street is clean, then I become open to the only real solution to any situation: forgiveness, surrender, and acceptance.

Today, I know that while I may not always have the opportunity to be right, I always have the choice to be happy. By doing a Tenth Step each day, and looking at and correcting my part, I get to forget about who is right, and I get to be happy and free instead. I have found that it is a lot easier to live in harmony with people, places, and things today. And I’d rather be happy than right.