November 9

Quote of the Week

"Advice that is not asked for is criticism."

I have someone in my life that, after she asks how I'm doing and I begin to tell her, immediately begins telling me the things I need to change or start doing. Until this quote I didn't realize that the reason her unasked for advice made me feel so bad was because it was thinly veiled criticism of the way I was living my life.

Thank God the program doesn't work that way. If people in the program or my sponsor started giving me unasked for advice or telling me what to do, I would have left long ago. Instead, people give me suggestions (when I ask for them) based on their own experience. If they had a similar situation as mine and they did something that worked for them, then they may suggest that it might work for me as well. It's up to me at that point to try it or not.

Because of the program, I have learned to apply this wisdom in my other relationships as well. In fact, people now call me a good listener, and it's because I know that all people really want is to be heard and understood. If asked, the best I can do is share my experience with a similar situation - if I have it. Otherwise, it's best to listen, empathize and help them process their experience.

That's always better than giving advice that's not asked for.

November 16

Quote of the Week

"Problems are solutions in training."

This was definitely not the way I used to look at problems before recovery. My problems used to overwhelm me; they had no solutions, and there was a long list of them. I would bounce from one to the other, and as I tried to solve them, I just seemed to create more and more.

When I entered the program, I surrendered both my problems and my solutions. My sponsor kept pounding into my head that my best thinking had gotten me here, and with his help I was able to turn my will and my life over to a power greater than myself. And that's when the real solution started to appear.

As I stayed sober and worked the steps, my problems began to solve themselves. As I became more experienced in turning them over, working the steps on them, and using more of the tools in my spiritual tool kit, I found that my problems were actually opportunities for me to grow and change. Today my problems have become my teachers, leading me to spiritual solutions when I become willing to look for them.

Today, my problems truly are solutions in training.

November 23

Quote of the Week

"Things might not get better for me, but I can get better despite things."

When I was a newcomer, I was convinced that because I was now sober, things in my life would get better. I was sure my career would finally get on track, my relationships would improve, etc., and I knew that as those things came together, I would finally be happy. In fact, I secretly felt like I deserved for things to improve now that I was being "good". Boy was I wrong.

What actually happened was that my life started to spiral out of control. It was as if things had a natural momentum to them, and even though I wasn't acting the same way, the wreckage of my past was beginning to catch up with me. As I grew more and more miserable, my sponsor taught me something that set me free.

I remember he sat me down and asked me if I could make it through the day without a drink or a drug. I told him I could, and that's when he taught me that while I may not be able to control all the things in my life, I could control the most important thing of all - my sobriety and my recovery. He told me that if I took care of that, then all the other "things" would work out. While at first I didn’t believe him, it turns out he was right.

Today I know that while things may not always get better for me, I can get better if I focus on the one thing that matters.

November 30

Quote of the Week

"God is the answer, so now, what is the questions?"

When I was new, I had a hard time with the God part of the program. "Higher Power" made it a little easier, and at first the group of drunks (G.O.D.) in the meetings were my Higher Power because they could do something I couldn't - stop drinking.

So in the beginning I became willing to turn that portion of my life over, but I held on to most of the other areas. I mean, "God wasn't paying my rent, was He?" I'd think. "I'm the one who has to make everything happen," was my early attitude. But this changed, slowly, as I saw that the more I turned over, the better things got.

Today I understand the wisdom of the third step and prefer to turn all my will and life over to God. Without exception, any answer in my life that comes from God turns out to be the best for me and all involved. Now, when I'm anxious or frightened or worried, I turn to God, and if I dwell there long enough I usually forget the reason why. God truly is the answer, so now, what was the question?

December 7

Quote of the Week

"Honesty without compassion is hostility."

Before recovery, I had a lot of resentments I was unaware of. The burden of these buried feelings was heavy, and they were often expressed in a passive aggressive way when I gave my opinion or offered unasked for advice. Thinking I was just being honest, I've now come to see I was often lashing out and being mean.

When I started working my program, I discovered a tool for uncovering, discovering and eventually discarding these resentments. It's called a fearless and thorough 4th Step. When I first started it, I imagined I had one or two resentments at most, but I soon found that I had well over a hundred! No wonder I was so spiteful.

By working the rest of the steps, I've been able to let go of these resentments and something miraculous has happened - I've developed compassion for others (and myself). Freed from petty resentments, I now identify with the struggles we all share as we make our way through life. I'm not better than, nor worse than anyone else, and compassion now allows me to be open with and thus deeply connected to others.

Today my honesty is based on true compassion.

December 14

Quote of the Week

"We're not bad people getting good, we're sick people getting better."

I was attending a meeting the other night and a newcomer raised his hand and asked what he could do to relieve the shame he felt. He shared that he hadn’t been sober very long, and that the list of wreckage he had created was overwhelming. He was just becoming conscious of the damage he had caused and the feelings of remorse he felt were intense. He couldn’t believe the things he had done, and his family wasn’t letting him forget it either. How could he have been so bad, he asked?

And that’s when someone shared this quote. They reminded him – and everyone at the meeting – that alcoholism is a disease, not a moral failing. He said that when we are drinking and using (in our disease), the things we do almost always lead to sorrow and remorse, and that it is because we are sick, not necessarily bad people. Once we treat the disease, the behavior almost always gets better, and so do we. He ended by advising this person not to focus on his old behavior, but rather, on the process of recovery.

This advice is right on, though it took me many years to see the wisdom in it. I was so used to identifying with my behaviors, I rarely looked at the underlying motivation – a sickness called alcoholism. But one I focused on my recovery, I did start to get better, my behavior changed and my wreckage cleared up as well. I “grew a consciousness” so to speak, and today I act differently.

Today I know that we’re not bad people getting good, we’re sick people getting better.

December 21

Quote of the Week

"Don't forget that the world record is 24 hours."

I remember when I was new watching people take cakes for 5 years, 7 years and more, and thinking that they had something I didn't - the ability to stay sober. When I shared about this, I was told that we all have the same amount of time - today. As I kept going to meetings, I started to see people with long term recovery go out and learned how important it was to value and concentrate on today.

As I got a few years under my belt and began trying to figure out what to do with my life, I once again got impatient when I saw that others had accomplished so much and seemed to have many of the things that I wanted, too. When I shared this, I was once again reminded that the world record was just 24 hours and that if I set a goal and took the next daily action, then I could also accomplish anything I set my mind to.

Over the years I've come to see the immense wisdom and simplicity in today's quote. When tasks or goals seem impossible to accomplish or overcome, I remind myself that while I may not be able to keep it up or do it over a lifetime, I can do it just for today.

And what I've found is that when I take the right action, one 24 hour day at a time, obstacles are overcome and dreams do come true.

December 28

Quote of the Week

"What other people think of me is none of my business."

What a revolutionary concept this was the first time I heard it. So revolutionary, in fact, that I had a hard time believing it might be true. So much of my identity, how I felt about myself, my moods, all were dependent on what other people thought and said about me that it was almost impossible to disentangle myself.

As I began to recover in Al-Anon, I soon came to see that this was clearly my problem and actually didn't have anything at all to do with other people. What I was lacking was a clear sense of self, and I was responsible for either developing it or continuing to give it away. Recognizing it was up to me gave me the power to change it.

After much work, practice, and support, I have come to see the truth and freedom this quote offers. Today I take ownership of how I feel about myself, and I take actions based on a valid and worthwhile sense of self. Today I know that other people have ideas and opinions about me, but it's my own thoughts and opinions about me that matter most.