August 3

Quote of the Week

"If God leads you to it, He will lead you through it."

I came into the program with so much fear. I didn’t even know how much fear dominated my life because I used drugs, alcohol, food, sex, and people—anything I could—to hide from it. As I began to get clean and sober, the suffocating fear bubbled to the surface and quickly manifested itself as anger, rage, irritability, discomfort, and depression. Needless to say, I was not a happy camper in early recovery.

I was amazed when people shared in meetings about how they walked through real life, and real scary stuff, without drinking. They had experienced the deaths of those near to them, they lost jobs, houses, spouses, their own health, and more. I felt like these things would have devastated me. I wondered how they could deal with all this and still stay sober. And where do they get the strength to face all this with peace, courage, and even grace?

Today, I know this courage comes from God. Now my near constant fear has been replaced with consistent faith in my Higher Power. I’ve discovered from watching others, and through my own experience of letting God lead me through my own difficulties, that I can also face life on life’s terms and go through my own challenges with serenity and courage. Today, I rely on God to lead me through the things He leads me to.

August 10

Quote of the Week

"The three most dangerous words for an alcoholic: ‘I’ve been thinking.’"

It took me a long time to learn that my head isn’t my friend. For years in the program, I heard it was best to run my thinking by others, but I secretly never believed it. My head would always convince me it had a better idea, and time and time again I followed its advice. It almost always turned out badly because what I always forgot was that my thinking was usually centered on me.

After many more bottoms, in many different areas, I finally became willing to check in more often with others. It was hard at first because I was sure I wouldn’t like what I heard, or they wouldn’t let me have my way, but once again contrary action saved the day. After listening to and actually following other’s suggestions, things turned out better, and my life began to get better, too.

What’s so interesting is that today, even with years of experience of checking in with others, my head still tries to convince me to follow its advice. The voice in my head is subtle, and, like alcoholism, it can be cunning, baffling, and powerful. I know better than to listen to it (most of the time), and I will forever be grateful for my sober experience and the loving support and direction I get from my friends in the fellowship. Today, though, those three words, “I’ve been thinking,” still remain dangerous.

August 17

Quote of the Week

"You grow, or you go."

Years ago, when I was new to the program, I heard someone say that if you got a horse thief sober, all you had was a sober horse thief. I couldn’t for the life of me understand what that meant. At the time, I thought that if someone got sober, then everything else would change, too. All the problems would go away, situations would get better, and life would improve in general. How wrong I was.

When I got sober, I still had a lot of old ideas that I acted on. I still felt like I deserved more than most people, and now that I wasn’t drinking anymore, I felt that the world owed me even more. Getting a normal job still seemed beneath me, so I used that as a rationalization to continue my illegal activities. My sense of entitlement led me to keep cheating in other ways as well, and soon I was even more miserable than I had been while drinking.

When I confronted my sponsor and asked why I wasn’t feeling better now that I was sober, he said it was because I was refusing to recover. He said just putting the plug in the jug but not changing anything else meant I was just another sober horse thief. He explained that recovery meant working the Twelve Steps and growing past my old self. Only by discarding the old and having a spiritual experience would I change and feel better. As I watched others refuse to do this and go back out, I realized the wisdom in the saying: You grow, or you go.

August 24

Quote of the Week

"I may not know how to make it better, but I sure know how to make it worse."

I remember how bad things were before recovery, and how easy it was for me to make them worse. If my job wasn’t going well, I’d cop an attitude, show up late, or start slacking off (more than I already was). If my relationship wasn’t going the way I thought it should, I’d shut down and withhold—all with the justified thought, I’ll show her. No matter what was going wrong, I always found a way to make it worse.

When I entered recovery, my sponsor taught me that what happened in my life was my responsibility. He showed me how I had a part in everything that happened to me and how my solutions often became worse than the original problem. It took many years for me to accept this and many more to learn how to make better choices. Thank God I had the Twelve Steps to teach me how.

I have often heard people say that the program was the life manual they wish they would have had when growing up. I completely relate to this, because now I, too, know how to handle situations that used to baffle me. Best of all, though, by staying focused on my part, I know how to make things better. Today, I have a choice between making the situations in my life better or worse, and most of the time I make the right choice.

August 31

Quote of the Week

"Do the next ‘right thing.’"

While I was drinking, I had a knack for making bad decisions. I chose inappropriate partners in relationships, cheated in my job, and made other shortsighted choices that didn’t end well. What I didn’t know at the time was that the majority of the decisions I was making were based on selfish and self-seeking motives. By the end of my drinking, the consequences of these choices surrounded me, and I had to surrender.

When I was new in the program, I once again had many choices to make. How many meetings a week should I go to? Should I get a sponsor right away or wait for the perfect one? When should I get serious about working the Twelve Steps? I learned early on that I should never say no to an A.A. request, and I found that by taking suggestions, my life improved. I also found out the difference between my will (usually based on self) versus God’s will (based on service to others), and this helped me identify the next “right thing” to do.

Now that I’ve been sober awhile, I still have a lot of decisions and choices to make. Whether it is business, relationships, or any other part of my life, I still have to choose between self-will (what I want) or God’s will (what would be best for others or the situation). When I stop to think about it, I always know what the “right thing” to do is, and when I choose this, my life and that of others run more smoothly. I’ve learned, often through trial and error, that this is always the easier, softer way.

September 7

Quote of the Week

"Worry is a terrible waste of the imagination."

I used to be addicted to so many things—alcohol, drugs, food, sex, anything I could use to escape—and I abused them as I sought a way out of the impending doom I often felt. When I entered the program and began putting these vices and distractions down in my Fourth Step, I found I had been addicted to something else as well: worry.

It took a long time for my emotions to become stable and for my thoughts to become clear, but once they did, I was amazed at how much time and energy I spent worrying. I worried about my health, my job, my relationships, my future, and even my past. When I shared this with my sponsor, he explained that worry was caused by excessive self-will, and it meant that I hadn’t fully surrendered to my Higher Power.

After years of working the Twelve Steps, turning my will and life over to God, and spending more and more time looking for and trying to follow His will, I find that I worry less and less. Today, my mind is focused on what God would have me do and be, and from that place I’ve learned to take the next indicated action and to turn the results over to Him. These days, I use my imagination in a positive way: to envision my life and world as God intends it to be. And once I set about trying to make that happen, I become much happier.

September 14

Quote of the Week

"I suffer from ‘terminal uniqueness.’"

I used to think I was so special. Wherever I went and whatever I did, inside I’d constantly be thinking, Look at me! Notice what I’m doing, what I’m wearing, and so on. I used to think that the world revolved around me and that I was too unique and special to extend myself and help somebody. Someone else can be kind and save the world, I’d think. I’m way too important and busy for that. Because of this self-absorption, people avoided me, and I ended up being ignored and alone.

When I entered recovery, I brought my self-centered point of view with me. I secretly felt that as soon as people saw how I did the Steps, there would be a revolution within all of A.A. As I began working them, however, and my ego began breaking down, I had to confront the fact that I was no more special than anyone else. My sponsor told me I suffered from “terminal uniqueness,” and the sooner I let go of that delusion, the better off I’d be. The quickest way to do that, he suggested, was to get humble and help someone.

I used to think there were too many people and situations that needed help, so what was the point of extending myself? But then one day at a meeting, I heard a story. Two people were walking on a beach where a hundred starfish had washed up and were stranded on the shore. One of the guys picked one up and threw it back into the sea. The other guy asked what he did that for. “With all the other starfish lying on the beach dying, throwing one back isn’t going to make a difference,” he said. “It made a difference to that one,” the other guy replied. And so it is with putting aside my feelings of terminal uniqueness. If I help just one person today, then I’ve made a big difference.

September 21

Quote of the Week

"The best escape from a problem is to solve it."

When I got sober, I was still running from my problems. Besides not picking up a drink, my behavior was just the same as before. My job was the same, and I still had all the problems from that; my shaky and shady relationships were the same, and the problems that came with them persisted as well. In meetings I had some relief from the wreckage of my life, but once they were over, my problems descended like a thick fog.

When I started working with my sponsor, he encouraged me to reveal my back-pocket plans for fixing my problems. These were the self-centered and selfish ideas I had to either evade responsibility or escape the consequences of my actions. As we worked through Step Five, though, I finally accepted my part in things and realized that the only way to truly escape my problems was to attempt to solve them. And that meant making amends.

Steps Eight and Nine were terrifying for me on many levels. In addition to the shame and embarrassment I felt, I was also worried about the very real possibility of going to jail. I put many conditions over who I would approach and what I would reveal, and the back-and-forth started to drive me crazy. My sponsor finally told me there was only one way out of my fear: I had to make a decision and take an action. By becoming humble and making amends, I discovered the one true way to escape my problems, and that was to solve them.

September 28

Quote of the Week

"Everyone wants to feel better, but no one wants to change."

Before I had a program, I did a lot of things to feel better. I moved; changed jobs, girlfriends, and cars; tried different combinations of drugs and alcohol; took up yoga; joined a gym—the list is endless. While these things worked briefly, inevitably I would be left feeling that giant hole inside of me, a hole that I could never fill and that always made me miserable.

When I entered recovery, I had the same initial relief as when I tried other new ways to distract myself. After a while, though, that relief also began to wear off, and I could sense the emptiness returning. I met with my sponsor, and he told me I was feeling this way because I was resisting and refusing to change. “But I’m sober!” I told him. “Yeah, but you’re still trying to do things your way. Until you surrender and really work the Steps, you’ll just be the same old you—only you’ll be miserable and sober this time.”

Thank God my sponsor was willing to tell me the truth, and thank God I was ready to hear it. Deep down, I knew I was the common denominator in all the things I had tried that didn’t work, and once I got to Step Four and honestly looked at my part in things, I finally realized what had to change: me. While thoroughly working all the Steps, the promises began coming true for me, and today I am not the same man who entered the rooms all those years ago. Today, I am happy, joyous, and free. And that was worth changing for.

October 5

Quote of the Week

"Would you rather be right, or would you rather be happy?"

Now that was a hard one to answer when I was new. In fact, my answer back then was, “But I was right! He/she/they were wrong! It has nothing to do with being happy!” How wrong I was. By clinging to my self-righteous pride and ego, I fought a lot of people and a lot of things to maintain my right to be right. In the end, I was right about one thing: there was little happiness in my life.

In addition, I paid a steep price for this stubbornness. Living in opposition to people, places, and institutions takes a lot of energy, and it constantly creates resentments. And resentments will kill me. In order to stay alive, I’ve had to learn to forget about who is right or wrong, and instead to focus on my part. Mine is the only part I can control, and if my side of the street is clean, then I become open to the only real solution to any situation: forgiveness, surrender, and acceptance.

Today, I know that while I may not always have the opportunity to be right, I always have the choice to be happy. By doing a Tenth Step each day, and looking at and correcting my part, I get to forget about who is right, and I get to be happy and free instead. I have found that it is a lot easier to live in harmony with people, places, and things today. And I’d rather be happy than right.

October 12

Quote of the Week

"Life is tough because you get the test first and then the lesson."

When I was in school we would spend weeks, and sometimes even whole semesters, preparing to take tests. I remember studying lesson plans and course outlines, reading and highlighting books and taking chapter quizzes, and attending lectures and taking copious notes. I studied this material all in preparation for midterms and finals. How I did on these tests depended on how well I studied the lessons beforehand.

In life, it’s quite a different story. We get the test first, and then it’s up to us to learn the lesson. And while this may be tough, what’s worse is that if we don’t learn the lesson, we get another test, then another, and another, until we learn the lesson. This is something I never understood while I was in the fog of my drinking, and because of it I seemed to end up in the same bad situations over and over again.

One of the things I love about recovery is that I’ve been taught to look for and learn the lesson. Today, when I get a test I immediately look for my part, examine my motives, and look for how I can either make amends or act better the next time. This is called a daily Tenth Step inventory, and it ensures that I learn the lesson quickly. Life may still be tough sometimes, and the test may still come first, but now I know how to learn the lesson to avoid having to take the test again.

October 19

Quote of the Week

"Quitting is easy; staying quit is a bit more tricky."

For the longest time, I didn’t think I had a problem with my drinking; I had quit many times. And at first the real problem didn’t appear to be staying quit either, because I had done that for over a year one time. No, the problem for me was that the period of staying quit got shorter and shorter. After a while, not drinking for two days in a row was out of the question, and toward the end, quitting was just as impossible as staying quit. I finally had to surrender.

When I entered recovery, I heard something that didn’t quite make sense. Someone told me that alcoholics didn’t have a problem with drinking, they had a problem with not drinking. He said that’s why quitting is easy, and he admitted he had done it hundreds of times. The trick, he said, is staying quit. And to do that, we need the Twelve Steps. As I began to work the Steps, I began to discover many of the reasons I struggled to stay quit, and I learned tools to help me figure out the tricky part of staying sober.

What I’ve learned in recovery is that I had a problem with living and that alcohol seemed to fix that problem. When I drank, I was suddenly confident, unafraid, good-looking, and hopeful. When I was sober, I was just the opposite. The gift I’ve found by working the Twelve Steps is that I’m finally that comfortable in my own skin. It is now easy to stay quit because life sober is no longer tricky. The answer, I have found, is that today I know how to live life on life’s terms.

October 26

Quote of the Week

"It’s progress, not perfection. We are not saints."

I had some friends over the other night for dinner, and we started talking about road rage. We each had a story to tell about how we had participated in an escalating episode of honking, cutting off, or giving the finger to another angry driver. Being generally centered in other areas of my life, I was a little disappointed in myself when I realized that I, too, can become a complete jerk in about five seconds.

When I entered the program, I was used to acting this way. In general, I had a low regard for other people’s feelings, and one of the problems I had with the Twelve Steps was that I thought if I didn’t become a saint, I wouldn’t stay sober. I remember telling my sponsor this and him saying four words that I still repeat to this day: “It’s progress, not perfection.”

I’ve made a lot of progress over the years, and I’ve come a long way from where I’ve been. For the most part, I’m comfortable in my own skin, I’m truly grateful for what I have, and I sincerely try to add to people’s lives. And yet every now and then, sometimes even without my being aware of it, something will provoke me into a state of fear and I’ll resort temporarily to an old behavior. Thankfully, I’m able to recover my serenity pretty quickly, and when I do I remind myself, “It’s progress, not perfection. We are not saints."

November 2

Quote of the Week

"Give all your problems to God. He’ll be up all night anyway!"

When I first heard this saying, I instantly thought of all the nights I used to lie in bed worrying, rehashing, or trying to solve all my problems. In fact, before early recovery it was actually easier to sleep because I used alcohol to numb me, and then I could fall asleep or drift into unconsciousness. But when I entered the program, it seemed like it was just me and my problems. I didn’t get a lot of sleep in the beginning of recovery!

It took a long time for me to develop enough faith to turn my will and my life (and problems) over to my Higher Power. The idea of it sounded good, but it proved very difficult to do in practice. Oh, I could turn it over in my morning meditation, but by noon I had usually taken it all back. And by night? Whew! It was just me and my problems again.

As I progressed in my recovery, I learned that the definition of faith is believing what you cannot see, and the reward of faith is seeing what you believe. Through faith and a developing practice of turning situations, people, and problems over to God, I’ve been rewarded with a life that is happy, joyous, and free. And now when I go to sleep, I give all my problems to God because my faith tells me He will be up all night anyway!

November 9

Quote of the Week

"Worrying is praying for things you don’t want to happen."

I don’t know where my tendency to worry came from. Perhaps I learned it from my mother, the queen of fretting, but I’m sure good at it. Before the program, I would worry and stress over most areas of my life. Even if something good happened, my automatic thought was, This isn’t going to last. Little did I know that my tendency to worry was driven by something far darker and more pervasive than just my upbringing: the disease of alcoholism.

I used to read books like The Secret, which teach that thoughts are things, and that what you think about most you attract into your life. These books tell us that the law of attraction is neutral, and it responds to your deeply felt beliefs and desires, both good and bad. In recovery, I learned that the disease of alcoholism negatively affects my thinking, and the disease was happy when I attracted more pain and suffering into my life. What a shock that was to learn.

When I got sober, I thought the solution was to instead just think of all the good things I wanted. What I soon learned, however, was that even praying for what I think I want (my will) still brought unwanted situations and negative people into my life. Today, I’ve found a better way. The Eleventh Step teaches me to pray for the knowledge of God’s will and the power to carry that out. This not only removes worry from my life but also attracts the best outcomes for all concerned. This is my solution today.